There is a rhythm to it. It has grown over time. I still enjoy the pace i set here, five updates a week, five weeks free each year. Or four weeks. It depends on how i feel.
The last few weeks i followed the same pattern: one day a drawing, another day some photos, one day something i write, another day i throw the I Ching or i quote from the Tao Te Ching. And the last week of last year i made a TikTok clip.
I’m still not sure about TikTok. I have only made the one clip, a beginner one. But it is on my mind. Not that i value much of what i have seen on TikTok sofar. But it is still a world to discover for me. I will see what if any will grow out of it.
The thought for this post came halfway during the day. Sunday. This morning the mind was blurry. I wasn’t really thinking about what i would do today for the post. In the afternoon the thought came up. How i work here. Strange how i never thought of that before. But here it is.
I might do another TikTok clip this week. I may write another piece. I enjoyed the one i wrote last week. That one was made in steps. First i thought i would make something really well written, rewrite everything, delete some stuff. But no, it was all in there, but in a small font. Smaller as it got older.
So i got several easy ones like the I Ching, some which require some work, but are not difficult, like making photographs, some which require inspiration, like making drawings. And then some which came back to me, filming. This time short films. And then of course writing something. It could be a memory, or something i came across during the day, or something i am thinking about.
That is it for now.
Salute!
Fuck it.
Fuck it all.
I am so afraid. I feel like a train running towards the end of the line and not slowing down. Crash and burn i will, i’m sure.
To me one of the causes of the current corona-crisis is the amount of people and cattle living on our earth, the current flying movements, deforestation. Amongst other things.
The current figures from January 05, 2022, 13:43 GMT are:
Coronavirus Cases: 295,850,800
Deaths: 5,476,857
Recovered: 256,292,665
This is severe, but not as severe as other pandemics covering the world. HIV/AIDS caused 32.7 million deaths sice the epidemic started in the early 70s. The Spanish flue infected half a billion people wordwide killing 20 to 100 million. The Black Death gave an estimation of between 75 to 200 million deaths. In percentages against the total world population these figures are even more severe.
Our current system is far from infallible. It is confusing to me. Some people i trust. But there is a multitude of voices and posts and articles each screaming loudly its own truth.
I am usually a happy person. When i walk about i say good day to people i come across. Well, the ones i catch the eyes of. But the past half year was a bit more difficult. Especially at night i lie awake for hours, worrying about the future. My money is running out. A few months ago i thought about this and half decided to go looking for a job in the new year. Now it is 2022, and i decided against that. I still have a few thousand euros, still enough for a couple of months. And i simply do not want to work for money. I refuse. I don’t know what i will do when i run out and things are still the same in my life. I do hope things will not be the same. My big hope. That i will write something here, or make a drawing, or make photographs. Anything to get me out of here.
We are getting closer to two years of having the corona virus traveling around the world. So far i never had corona. I did get two vaccinations. Tuesday 4 January i have gotten my third one. Partly i get these vaccinations because of my diabetes. I live a quiet life, spending most of my time alone at home. I enjoy making long walks, but lately it is not any longer than walking into town or a park. Still forty five minutes.
The valley spirit never dies.
Call it the mystery, the woman.
The mystery,
the Door of the Woman,
is the root
of earth and heaven.
Forever this endures, forever.
And all its uses are easy.
Source: Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu
Translated by Ursula K. Le Guin
Today, Sunday 2 January 2022, i walked to the library. On my way over there i met Mr. Renault, an old neighbour from my home at the Lombardkade. We talked a little. He told me there still didn’t live anyone in my old house, which really surprised me. I asked him if i could come by and check my post one time in the next few weeks. The mailbox doesn’t have a key, so i only need to get into the porch. That was fine with him. I also met some people i didn’t know who i wished best wishes to. One woman who was looking up at the houses at the beginning of the Nieuwe Binnenweg. What are you looking at, i asked. At the houses she replied. I said i liked the houses further up the road better. She said she was looking at the decorations before the windows. I said i didn’t much like those decorations. And i wished her best wishes. We laughed. Lovely.
At the library i got the four final books of the Dark Tower series written by Stephen King, in English. The first three i had read in Dutch. The fourth one was lend out. Yesterday i checked the library website to see if it was available in English. Yes!
When i walked up there, in around forty-five minutes, i thought i would walk back again. But with my bag full of books, i decided to take the bus.
I took a photograph on the square in front of the library. Then when i arrived at the bus stop close by, i took a photograph of art school across the street. Or as i call it in Dutch, the Academy (Academie). I went to art school between 1986 and 1991.
This drawing shown above i made in my first favourite year, 26 October 1986. All the different subjects i loved. Drawing, conceptual, art history, 3D. My second year i had chosen painting and graphic, but my painting was hopeless to the tutor, so i had to pick another direction. Monumental and photography it was the next year. I enjoyed photography. Monumental was harder. I stuck with those two directions. I ended up making self portraits and combining them with texts. So many self portraits. Only two contact sheets i show here below. There are two photos on these sheets which i did use for my exams.
I am born on 26 February 1964 in Vlaardingen, a small town close to Rotterdam, the Netherlands.
My first memory is a funny one. It was a remembrance dream i had when i was around twenty of a moment way back in time, when i was around one and a half. There was a photograph taken of me by my father. While i was turned towards my mother she pointed to somebody behind me and i turned back. Click. That photograph is real. That i lost it doesn’t matter, i know it is really taken on that warm day in 1965.
That is my first real memory, in which i felt alive, feeling the stones beneath my hands, the warmth of them, the happiness i felt at the time, even though in the photo i look kinda grumpy.
On my way walking to kindergarten school there was a transformation house with a skull on the door. I always walked meters around that door, or i walked to the other side of the road. I also remember walking to the house my mother worked at between kindergarten and the park.
I grew up.
I learned to control my inner feelings. I did go to Technical University and studied Industrial Design, but halfway i decided i was gonna go to art school. I enjoyed that. After school i organized an exhibition together with a friend. I learned a lot, but it wasn’t my thing. After a couple of years i decided i wanted to go and work. For five years i worked at a printer. I learned so much there. About work, about people. The mistakes i made there are a lifelong lesson. Then i was finished there, i walked away. To another job. Which lasted around 10 years, well, with a job in London in between. That was fun, to be asked to work somewhere based on what was seen on my website. Not that it was any good, but still.
In 2010 the work stopped and i went freelance for around five years.
In 2014 i stopped working freelance. I got an epiphany. I had to go back to my website and work on it. I felt it in my heart and soul. There was no way i could turn my back on this. For eight years i had stopped working on it, but now i had to go back and work work work!
And now i’m here. So many years older. Fifty seven years. And i still can not let go of it. I am still living of the money i got from selling my house, which will last me a couple of months more. And against all odds, i’m still not giving up.
This is my final written post for this year. Tomorrow i will post a drawing, however finished it is.
The first post of 2022 will be 3 January.
Enjoy your time.
Salute!