Author Archives for Ellen

Waiting (Nourishment)

5. Hsรผ / Waiting (Nourishment)

above K’AN THE ABYSMAL, WATER
below CH’IEN THE CREATIVE, HEAVEN

All beings have need of nourishment from above. But the gift of food comes in its own time, and for this one must wait. This hexagram shows the clouds in the heavens, giving rain to refresh all that grows and to provide mankind with food and drink. The rain will come in its own time. We cannot make it come; we have to wait for it. The idea of waiting is further suggested by the attributes of the two trigrams–strength within, danger in from. Strength in the face of danger does not plunge ahead but bides its time, whereas weakness in the face of danger grows agitated and has not the patience to wait.

THE JUDGMENT

WAITING. If you are sincere,
You have light and success.
Perseverance brings good fortune.
It furthers one to cross the great water.

Waiting is not mere empty hoping. It has the inner certainty of reaching the goal. Such certainty alone gives that light which leads to success. This leads to the perseverance that brings good fortune and bestows power to cross the great water. One is faced with a danger that has to be overcome. Weakness and impatience can do nothing. Only a strong man can stand up to his fate, for his inner security enables him to endure to the end. This strength shows itself in uncompromising truthfulness [with himself]. It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any sort of self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognized. This recognition must be followed by resolute and persevering action. For only the man who goes to meet his fate resolutely is equipped to deal with it adequately. Then he will be able to cross the great water–that is to say, he will be capable of making the necessary decision and of surmounting the danger.

THE IMAGE

Clouds rise up to heaven:
The image of WAITING.
Thus the superior man eats and drinks,
Is joyous and of good cheer.

When clouds rise in the sky, it is a sign that it will rain. There is nothing to do but to wait until after the rain falls. It is the same in life when destiny is at work. We should not worry and seek to shape the future by interfering in things before the time is ripe. We should quietly fortify the body with food and drink and the mind with gladness and good cheer. Fate comes when it will, and thus we are ready.

Published on May 11, 2022 at 6:00 by

The garden at the back

Bamboo
Looking upwards through the bamboo
Small snail on a leaf
Kerria flower
Fern
The sky
Looks like a small broccoli, but it isn't
The sun
Bamboo
Sering
Light through the leaves
Sportsok, the cuddliest cat i know ๐Ÿ™‚
Published on May 9, 2022 at 6:00 by

The End of Time

In previous scrapped versions of this post i have written about being covered by a soothing mind-numbing blanket, about left and right politics, about the child benefits scandal, about a conversation with voices from different angles.

I went back to the first question i wrote for this post: ‘why do i make life so difficult for myself?’

I had cut this question. No. There are more important things to talk about.

But for me this is an important question. There was no need. I could have kept working. I could have stayed in my house. I could have rented out a room. My life could have been so much easier. Carefree.

But no, i have burned all the bridges behind me. No way back. No way forward. Yet.

I think back about the beginning of this process. I was going slightly mad at the job i had at the time. I left soon after. After eight years of silence i started working again on lfs.nl in October 2014. The About present marked the end for lfs.nl. That was it.

January 27, 2015.

On February 9, 2015 at 0:00 i published my first post on ellenpronk.com. The About page came online at the same time.

I hope you will enjoy visiting my thoughts, my mind, my face, my work, my story, my garden work, my friends, my walks. My clips, my songs, my presents, my food, my beauty.

You may feel lost at times. Not understand why i made something. That is ok. I donโ€™t understand everything i made either.

Source About – Published 12 June 2017

This website is my work. I don’t get paid for it. I don’t get the attention i want. Beforehand i thought it would be easier to earn a bit of money with making these posts, each day a new one. It is not easy at all. But it is my work, undeniably.

So here i am at the end of time, sitting in front of my computer, typing away. One part of me is thinking back about the first page i ever published online on 1 July 1997.

I am not sure how these pages will develop, i don’t know how frequent the updates will be. It might be less than i anticipate at this moment. Maybe, when you read this somewhere in the future, you will know more than i do now. Maybe than, where there is nothing now, there will be something for you to discover.

Source jump to the left – jump to the right – one step forward – one step back – twist and repeat – Published 1 July 1997

This is the story of my life. This is the story of me. These choices i have made all by myself. I was happy to work in the garden for five years. I was happy to get to know people who felt sidestepped in this crazy world and with whom i could sit in a communal garden and sing songs and eat food we all brought. We made a story of growing food in the midst of Rotterdam for everyone to see who walked by over the sidewalk at the end of the garden.

But time moves on relentlessly. I am trying to build a life worth living in this world with all its hidden nooks and crannies. It is difficult and hard. Often i have feelings of failing and of sinking back into this mire. But this is me. This is my own handpicked life. I stand by it.

I will start looking for work. I don’t know what sort of work will come my way. But i will take it. I hope. ๐Ÿ™‚ I will continue working on ellenpronk.com. I don’t know what i am going to make or write or draw or photograph. As ever.

After these weeks of difficult posts, i’m giving myself a well deserved break. I will see you once again Monday 9 May 2022.

PS. Ooh, i made a new patreon page at patreon.com/ellenpronk. You are welcome to visit.

Published on April 29, 2022 at 6:00 by

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

The Second Coming written by William Butler Yeats in 1919

Published on April 28, 2022 at 6:00 by

I Am the Walrus

Last week i saw the following video on youtube I recreated “I Am The Walrus” from scratch. I have a subscription to his channel and i enjoy most of video’s he places.

While watching this i started to feel so stupid. This is a gem of a song. How could i have overlooked this one for so long? Then again, there are so many overlooked songs in the world. I looked up the lyrics and started to sing along. Of course i know this song. But i didn’t really know the lyrics by heart. I still don’t. A bit better now though.

I hope you enjoy this ๐Ÿ™‚

I Am the Walrus
I am he as you are he as you are me
And we are all together
See how they run like pigs from a gun
See how they fly
I’m crying

Sitting on a corn flake
Waiting for the van to come
Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday
Man you’ve been a naughty boy
You let your face grow long

I am the egg man
They are the egg men
I am the walrus
Goo goo g’joob

Mr. City policeman sitting
Pretty little policemen in a row
See how they fly like Lucy in the sky
See how they run
I’m crying
I’m crying, I’m crying, I’m crying

Yellow matter custard
Dripping from a dead dog’s eye
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess
Boy, you’ve been a naughty girl
You let your knickers down

I am the egg man
They are the egg men
I am the walrus
Goo goo g’joob

Sitting in an English garden
Waiting for the sun
If the sun don’t come you get a tan
From standing in the English rain

I am the egg man (How do you do sir?)
They are the egg men (The man maintains a fortune)
I am the walrus
Goo goo g’joob, goo goo goo g’joob

Expert, texpert choking smokers
Don’t you think the joker laughs at you (Ho ho ho, hee hee hee, hah hah hah)
See how they smile like pigs in a sty
See how they snide
I’m crying

Semolina Pilchard
Climbing up the Eiffel tower
Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna
Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe

I am the egg man
They are the egg men
I am the walrus
Goo goo g’joob, goo goo goo g’joob
Goo goo g’joob, goo goo goo g’joob, goo goo


Published on April 26, 2022 at 6:00 by

Crunch time

Eight years ago i started this blog. I update it five updates a week. A maximum of five weeks of holiday a year. I have sold my house and lived on the proceeds for the remainder of the time. The last two years i moved from room to room. The last half year i lived in the house i live in now. For one more week. My money is running out. I have enough only for the next two months.

I am not crazy. I hope so anyway! I acted like this for a specific reason. Truth be told, this process is lasting longer than i expected. Now it is coming to a crunch time. The moment of truth. The point of no return.

I feel i need to pick a public life or a solitary life. That is not true of course, i could pick from a multitude of lives. A life in which i work, a life in which i protest against the current working climate. I could pick anything i want.

But what do i want? I could fall in love. I can sing songs. I will keep on working here. Photographs, dances, write columns, drawings. Or i stay in the hidden depths. Keep on working on myself. Until the day i die.

I just want to mean something to the world. But all i seem to do is loosing everything.

Am i fooling myself with these thoughts?

But what is the alternative? Do we all come in this world with no reason behind it, no story to tell. All a part of the same machinery. The capitalistic neoliberal hyper machine which is fragmenting the stories away from us. Is that it?

I don’t believe that.

What do i really really want? I would love to fall in love with somebody. Somebody who reminds me of me, but also entirely different. Somebody who leads his life as i do, with respect and attention to everything surrounding him.

But this post is not about him, it is about me. I am still waiting for someone to pick me up from this life. And that is not happening. It is as simple as that. I need to get out myself. It is no option anymore to live silently.

Published on April 25, 2022 at 6:00 by

Life is messy

It is my own desire for safety which confounds me. Safety, security, a shield against all the dangerous things the world hurls at you. Don’t let it touch! Be invincible, invulnerable.

I am scared of the future. As i should be, of course. I do not know what the future will bring. That makes me come alive with all sorts of defenses against all sorts of dangers coming my way. But what dangers? What defenses?

I don’t know.

I live now, not in the future where all these troubles lurk. Of course, i can cross over the street and be run over by a car. I can fall down a stair and drop to my death. Anything can happen.

I don’t know.

Another part of me revels in dreaming up idolized persons. I will fall in love. Someone else will fall in love with me. I will become famous. Legendary even.

But i don’t know.

I think i know many things. The books i have read, the walks i have made, the dances i danced away, the songs i have sung, the earth i worked in, the drawings i made, the photographs i made. Not all terribly good. Still a work i feel proud of. But do i know these things? Do i really?

And then there is me.

A growing older woman in her late fifties, with grey hair, slightly overweight. That is what i look like from the outside. The inside is a mixture of emotions, some scared, some hopeful. My heart is pounding inside of me.

What am i? Who is this i i am speaking of here? What does it all mean? Is there some meaning? Anywhere?

I do not know.

Published on April 22, 2022 at 6:00 by