A day my mind simply races forward and nothing comes out of my hands. I do need to stop doing that!
I have so many things i could be doing right now. And i don’t do any of it.
I have a cat sitting beside me who wants to be petted.
I’ll just go and make a cup of tea and have a fruit cookie. I’ll pet the cat, watch a bit more tv and then go to bed.
Nothing of this shit tomorrow though! Work!
This Monday i went to Vlaardingen, a small town near Rotterdam. The town where i was born and spend the first 21 years of my life. I do go there occasionally, to visit my sister who lives there. But that’s a quick hop in and out.
It does make me a bit sad walking in that familiar but strange town. So many things have changed. My old nursery school in the Emmastraat isn’t there anymore. My old lower school the J.P. van der Schaar school on the Wilhelminastraat isn’t there anymore either. The town centre is covered now. The park has changed with a lot less green. It still looks nice. It’s a typical small Dutch town with some old streets, some new streets. It’s just not my town.
This isn’t any news to me of course. Years ago i spend a little time in Vlaardingen. I even made a few presents, title and home. It’s all part of my history. Done and dealt with.
The walk lasted for an hour. Than i took the train back home.
I stayed at home today. Dreaming away. Halfway the sun came out. I was thinking about what to make for tomorrow, i wasn’t sure. Then i saw the sun and the light reflecting on the water shine on the wall. I had to charge up the battery in my camera for a bit. Then i made some pictures. It reminded me of the ones i made in art school. Photographing the flat surfaces with little details popping in at the edge. Apart from the top picture, which is simply one i really like.
So well, this is it. I had loads more, but these are the ones i picked. Enjoy!
A quiet walk on the Island of Brienenoord. There were only a couple of other people. One was at work on the allotments in the middle of the island. I saw two cars passing by. At the east part i sat on my coat for a while, in a mossy green patch. I ate an apple. I watched over the river. I stared at the boats passing by. At the end of the walk the sun came through a bit more.
Computers entered my life around 1990, when i started writing my end paper for art school. At school there was a computer room, with the little all-in-one Macs. I had to buy two floppy discs. One for the system, one for the program and for my file. I loved the copy and pasting. A lifesaver. When i was done writing, after a few months, the computer person helped me with laying out the paper in Pagemaker.
My first own mac i bought in 1994, a IIsi. The years after i spend most of my money on upgrading computers. The 4400, which i blew up trying to upgrade the RAM, i replaced with a G3. The Quicksilver was the most beautiful computer, which i still have standing in a cupboard. The MacBook wasn’t right for me and i sold it to a colleague, who still uses it. The 20″ iMac was great, but i did fall for the 27″ in 2010. I sold the 20″ to my sister who still uses now.
The Macbook Pro i bought for work. I’m not sure what to do with it now. At my last job i had to work on a pc from there. So my MacBook Pro has been standing in its bag for almost a year now. It might be better selling it.
The new iMac 27″ Retina is a lovely computer, but for a hefty price. If i choose the options i would wish for, it will cost 3.479 euros. For now my current iMac is just fine.
For 21 years i have worked on Apple computers. I did work as a desktop publisher, so it made sense to me. That feeling has grown a bit less, i admit. But it’s hard to get away from. I do love the look of the computers. I love Mac OS X. Even though i haven’t updated to the newest one yet. I don’t need the newest and the best, i got an iPhone 4 and iPad 1, both for 5 years. For now i’m sticking with Apple.
Yesterday, Monday, i spend around 5 hours writing the previous post ‘Sex’. Afterwards i felt very tired. I got the idea in the morning, and for some reason i liked it. I still do. I don’t have much trouble talking about these so-called private things. But writing and getting the response to a post like that takes a lot of energy. So today it’s gonna be a bit of a nothing post.
Today, Wednesday, i will cast my vote for the provincial election. And this evening there is a VvE (Homeowners Association) meeting in my house, so i gotta clean up a bit and get some coffee and cookies.
Tuesday was a lovely day. I went to the market with no coat on. All around were people sitting on the stairs and chatting and enjoying the sunshine. Lovely. I might do a walk today. Depends on the weather. I still want to walk around the island below the Van Brienenoordbrug. Take the tram there and walk around and then see if i walk back or take the tram back. I’ll decide tomorrow!
I’m gonna watch a bit of tv now and go to bed early.
*hugs*
When i was around twelve years old erotic feelings came into my life. Masturbation was my secret pastime during the evenings. I loved doing it. I lied on my belly and and rubbed against the sheet. I still remember the orgasms. They were wonderful.
My first kiss was on Tenerife on holiday. In the moonlight on a beach. We had sat in a disco. My holiday friend was kissing this other guy and i felt completely embarrassed. When we left the disco and went to the beach, he kissed me. Woah. After the holiday he came along, all the way from Blackpool, England. I remember buying a XTC record, Black sea, when we visited the record store Plato. I also remember my mum telling me he had said to her he didn’t get it why i went to the gymnasium, the Dutch highest level high school. I would get married anyway? Sorry Jim, you shouldn’t have said that! Bye bye!
Back at school i developed a crush on Marc. We went out one time. I didn’t say a word! We didn’t go out after that. Duh. And he got back together with his former girlfriend. But i did fall in love, and we did get this sort of intermittent thing. We did kiss on the exams night when we set up tents on the school ground. And there was more kissing on other evenings. We never went all the way. Not for lack of trying. It just didn’t happen. We both went to Delft to study. But there it was left to fade away. And then i left Delft and went to the Rotterdam art school after four years. Never to see him again.
At sixteen i got on to the pill. Together with my mum i went to our doctor. Periods were giving me lots of pain. The doctor suggested that the pill would be a good option for me. So for the next five years i was having no trouble with periods and protected from getting pregnant at the same time! Not that i was having sex. When i was around twenty-one twenty-two, i decided i would quit the pill. I wasn’t having any sex anyway, and i would see how my periods were going. It was alright. Maybe i was getting a bit fiercer and the periods simply didn’t bother me that much anymore. Or maybe they were getting less painful. I didn’t know. The thought of taking these hormones each day was not a pleasant one. The pill was out!
In Delft, I do remember sitting with a friend, Marcel, in his room. Later on he said he was surprised there was no attraction between us. I do know that i simply wasn’t thinking about sex with him at all. I just liked him. No other guys attracted me in Delft. Well, apart from this gorgeous guy whom i only stared at in the college room. That got to nothing at all, of course.
I did meet another guy in a pub Dizzy. I went out alone. I actually said i to Rens was feeling recalcitrant. We had a long talk. Not sure it was that same evening or later, but i also do remember going out to McDonalds with him and having a long long talk about all sorts of things. He asked me to come to his place and have dinner. So i did. And then we tried to have sex, but sadly no. I couldn’t go along with it, it just didn’t feel sexy at all. It did pain me to say it, but that is what i did. He was a bit upset. I did stay and sleep over, the next day we had breakfast together. And that was it.
Rotterdam. Where i lived from December 1985. School started in August 1986. I had a talk with a teacher in a pub. He asked me what i really really wanted. For someone to really love me, i answered. I meant it. A friend pulled me away from him and i went home. A week later, in his class, he was sitting there with a his face turning red. We never talked about it. He was having sex with other students. Not for me.
No other boys at art school got me interested. Or girls. I was thinking that maybe i was lesbian. But i simply didn’t fall in love with a girl. I did have best friends. I believed. After art school, from where i graduated in 1991, me and a friend organized an exhibition about sex, Sexposition. It was in the Fabriek, a squatted old factory with studio’s and a large exhibit room, in the west part of Rotterdam, close to the Delfshaven tube station.
We worked on it for a year. We got a subsidy. Marlies Dekkers showed her exam work. We also organized an evening of sex, with art work, a lingerie show, some singing and other things happening. It was sold out. All that time, i never had gotten any sex myself.
The evening of the show, i went out with a small group afterwards. We went to Tudor bar on the Nieuwe Binnenweg. I went to this place so many times in the 80s. At the end of the evening this guy named Bart asked me to go to his home with him. And i said yes! He had a waterbed! Man, that was a surprise when i stepped into it. We made out. No sex though, grrr. I fell in love a bit, but nothing happened. I think a few days or weeks later i went by and we talked a little, but no, nothing.
Around christmas 1992 i gave a dinner party at my place. I read a story to a couple of my friends. Ben, a friend of a friend, was there too. A few weeks later, at new years eve, we started to kiss.
So yes, a couple of days after that Ben asked me to have dinner at his place. I stayed the night. Not completely sure of the timings here (it’s been 22 years!), but we did have sex around that time. What i do remember is that we tried and the first time it didn’t go. But when he was asleep and i was awake, i went to him and started kissing and he woke up and yes, then it happened. For the first time. I was 28 years.
We were together for like two, three months. He gave me one of his works, a foamy yellowish cast of a painting. It still hangs in my house. Then we broke up. We were not in love. We liked each other, but that was it.
Well, i knew that. But still, it was a lot for me to come to terms with. And i got a fever. I was sick for a week. A close friend Femke took me out to the Veluwe, a national park in the center of the Netherlands. We walked and talked. I was not feeling good.
I didn’t see Ben for many years. Only later, when i bumped into him at a friends house and i was too surprised to not say hi, i realized he is just a nice guy. Now when i see him, once every two three years, we can do some small talk.
A 1997 i started to work on lfs.nl. Or rather, home.luna.nl/~ellen. In July 1998 i got an e-mail from Jeroen, ‘hulde! prachtige site!’ (‘honour! beautiful site!’). A friendship started. With Jeroen who also lives in Rotterdam, of all places. And i fell in love. And he did not. With me anyway. I have some e-mails in which we talked about it. We were outspoken and honest with each other. But no, it wasn’t going to be. No no no.
Reading those e-mails, thinking back about those days, i do see now i was so serious, nice, but also close to impossible. It reminds me of the thoughts i have about myself while i was in art school. I see now i was very closed up. Nothing the teachers said to me really got through. I was like this knot all tied up.
I came closer to the dark years. The years of not working on lfs. Of me trying to get away from it all. Of me playing warcraft. Of me not seeing anyone. Of me going though the motions. Everything seemed to be coming to a full stop, while time was running onwards.
Looking back at it, the first half of last year, 2014, was the ultimate full stop.
I talked about it with a friend, and he came with this job offer later on. In August i started working there.
I’m not sure what happened. I felt like i was hit by a sledgehammer. It was a short crush on this person which felt very strange to me. Which i could switch off rather easily once i realized that he was married.
I started to work on lfs.nl again. After 8 years. I started to daydream. And i felt aroused. I felt alive again, which was a really good feeling.
So now i’m here. March 2015. My sixth week of working on ellenpronk.com. I still feel that sledge hammer hit me when was it? September 2014? October 2014? I still feel the energy inside waiting to be pulled out and used.
Looking back at my life. It does feel like completely mine. I’m truly happy with that. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me.
I will take my steps into the future. I have said it before, i gotta stay close to what i want, deep inside. I managed that so far, i hope i will keep on doing that.
Exactly that, a busy week.
Finding myself taking things a bit slower than i would have liked. But hey, that’s just how it goes.
Last week i had an interview, which i recorded. I’m still in the process of translating and writing the article itself. I do enjoy it, but it’s moving on a bit slow.
Last week, after the interview, my initial thought was getting straight at it, but instead i made a long walk in the sunshine. I got really tired. That tiredness didn’t move away the next days. Today i still feel it.
I will start cooking soon. Two sausages. Simmer them in red wine with shallots, mushrooms and bacon. And a mash with parsnip and potato.
But yeah, it was a busy week. Even though i’m moving on slower than i wish, i’m taking steps. They might be tiny, but they are in the right direction.
Gonna go cooking now. I do hope you enjoy your monday.
Best wishes.
Apart from preparing the beetroots and cooking the potatoes, this is a quick salad to make! The combination of beetroot and feta is great. The potatoes are optional. They do make a more filling salad. If you don’t have potatoes, a slice of toasted bread can be served alongside.
I do like to bake my own beetroot. It’s easy, you wrap it in tinfoil and put it in a hot oven for an hour. If you want, you can buy the already cooked beetroots in the supermarket, but you should try baking your own, it does taste better!
You may use the regular deep purple red beetroots like i did today. But you can also use the yellow beetroots. You may use the chioggia beetroots, but i do prefer these rasped raw in a summer salad. It leaves the color rings intact.
It’s hard to imagine someone not liking the taste of beetroot. I do love it myself. But, if you really don’t like beetroot, i’m sorry. I can’t think of another vegetable taking the place of beetroot. Better skip this recipe if you really can’t stand it!
Ingredients salad
Ingredients dressing
Preparation