The future i can not see

This Tuesday i lost all fear i had felt about the future. It was the day i let the cat from upstairs in the house. Her boss is away until Friday. I will let both front doors open. I love it. Joep is the name of the cat (Yup ?). Right now Joep is lying on the chair behind me.

I am thinking. About me, what i wish for, what i want. I know that wanting something will not help me get it. I am trying to clear my mind of all the things people fill their lives with. A new car. A new home. A new husband or wife. Something new to pass the time with. Something new to forget that it is not what you want. Those are not things i want. But i have other things i want. Friends. Enough money. An active life, filled with meetings and talks. I do not have those things right now.

Sometimes i am thinking of the world, the universe, politics, philosophy, art. But most often i find myself watching television or youtube, reading twitter. Keeping up with the news. I am not sitting in a little cabin in the woods. I am living in a large city in the Netherlands.

I feel lost. I am here at the end of time, or so it feels to me. And it is not even a true feeling. It is all simply inside of me. All these emotions are nothing but a distraction.

I am waiting for some insight into my life. It is growing inside me with small steps. But is this the best way to make it grow? I simply do not know.