Over the past few years i felt i was working towards something. Something good. Battling for myself. Striving towards a life worth living. Something different. Different from now.
I slowly start to realize that this will not be possible. I am learning, sure. But i still make mistakes. Sometimes i apologize. Sometimes not. My life simply continues. On and on.
I am learning to think before i speak, but i can not overthink everything i do. There is still room for the unexpected, the unrehearsed. The spontaneous. I remember a couple of moments in my life in which this occurred. Not many, no. But they did.
So now, when i think about my future, i think of a difficult life. Having things to think about. Having meetings to think about. Not knowing which way to go. Not knowing what to say. Not knowing.
I know i could continue with my life as it is right now. Safe. Easy. Undemanding.
What do i want? What do i really really want? Really really really?
I want the life that fits me. But what is that life? Am i not already living that life? With the upcoming money troubles, within a year or so, if i continue living as i do? Something i need to deal with. I know that. I know.
Can i keep quiet, think about what happens to me and take a course? Is that what i am doing right now?
I hope. I really hope.