Author Archives for Ellen

Strong enough

That sledgehammer moment, more than five years ago, is still clear to me. That moment which shook my up, made me shiver, made me fall in love. Not with somebody i know, no. It is not the most important aspect of it to me. I have fallen in love with one or two other people since then. But only fleetingly. For like a week or two. Getting it over with quickly.

Working in the garden has taught me so much. About plants, about the schedule, about the compost, about the seeding, the harvesting. About the people too. Some of them i like as my friends. But it is all fleeting. Almost transparent.

I had a talk with a friend a couple of months ago. He told me i was not thinking straight. Delusional almost. He told me i was thinking that i was going to be saved through my website. He told me to give it up. A fantasy. Not real. I kept thinking about that talk for a long time. I remember crying. I remember at the end of the talk saying i am a woman. I am still not sure what to think of that talk.

I am feeling extremely determined. I am not budging. I feel almost like growling. I am not going along with all this. I am not agreeing. No no no no. I can see how i used to do this. Trying to find a place for myself. A place where i can feel happy. Feel loved. Feel free.

I still haven’t found it.

I know. Of course. The only possible place is with me. To find strength in myself. Power. Resistance. Intelligence.

Difficult. I do want to cave in at times. Simply keep on living, with not too much effort. Hide in the masses. Not being visible. Not being seen.

So i find myself here at the end of times. I do feel stronger. I just hope i’m strong enough. For what is coming. Of which i am not sure.

I only have hopes and fantasies and dreams guiding me. Most will not come true.

I have found myself. So happy i did.

Published on December 13, 2019 at 6:00 by
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Your new life is going to cost you your old one

Your new life is going to cost you your old one. It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction. It’s going to cost you relationships and friends. It’s going to cost you being liked and understood. But it doesn’t matter. Because the people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side. And you’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward. And instead of like, you’re going to be loved. Instead of understanding, you’re going to be seen. All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Let it go.

– Brianna Wiest

Published on December 11, 2019 at 6:00 by
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Dutch Appeltaart

Today i baked the Dutch Appeltaart. Not for myself, but for a friend. Too sweet for me i confess. It is lovely of course. Filled with apples surrounded by a sweet baked dough. Cinnamon and vanille are the main tasty ingredients. Apart from the apples and the sugar and the flour. I used Goudreinette, the apple i use to make an applesauce most of the time. A sweet and sour apple which does cook easily to a pulp.

I used a recipe i found online on Eef kookt zo. In Dutch of course.

Ingredients

  • 1 kilo of Goudreinetten apples
  • 450 gr flour (any you want, i used a wheat flour which was partly freed of brown stuff
  • 250 gr butter on room temperature
  • 225 gr light brown sugar
  • 100 gr raisins – sultana’s are the ones i used
  • 2 eggs
  • 3 teaspoons of cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon of vanille paste
  • salt
  • fresh lemon juice

Method

  1. Put the raisins in a bowl of warm water and let it sit for a couple of minutes
  2. Heat up the oven to 175ºC
  3. Mix the flour, butter, sugar, vanille paste, salt and one and a half egg until it is nice and compact
  4. Grease a springform of 23-25 cm wide in with butter and press in 3/4 of the dough in the form, going up all the sides
  5. Core the apples, peel them and cut them in small wedges. Put in a bowl with the freshly squeezed lemon juice. Pour the water away from the raisins and add them to the apples. Mix the apple and raisin misture with a spoon of sugar and the cinnamon.
  6. Fill the dough with the apples. Press down with a bit of force.
  7. Take the remaining dough and roll out to a thin layer, slice strips of it. Weave the strips over the appeltaart.
  8. Use the remaining quarter of the egg to brush over the dough at the top.
  9. Bake for an hour in the oven until it is golden brown
  10. Enjoy!

Published on December 10, 2019 at 6:00 by
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About yesterday’s post

Yesterday’s result of throwing the I Ching did make sense to me. I do know that i made my own predicament possible. I know i can be lazy at times. I can escape in gaming, reading. Gardening even. Gardening does have many good effects though, so it is permissable. Reading can be a good book. Like the books i read over the summer.

So, work on what has been spoiled. A bowl in whose content worms are breeding. Yes yes, i love worms. They are my friends. But still, in your life you want to build something up. You want to achieve something. Worms have their uses and place. Not in my house!

Well.I do have some things to put right. For myself. Not the biggest thing. So yes, the taming power of the small. The force of the small. The power of the shadowy. That restrains, tames, impedes.

Only through gentleness that this can have a successful outcome.

Fitting. Fitting.

Published on December 3, 2019 at 6:00 by
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