Author Archives for Ellen

A path of many windings

Life leads the thoughtful man on a path of many windings.
Now the course is checked, now it runs straight again.
Here winged thoughts may pour freely forth in words,
There the heavy burden of knowledge must be shut away in silence.
But when two people are at one in the inmost hearts,
They shatter even the strength of iron or of bronze.
And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts,
Their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids.

Confucius

Published on June 16, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Exhausted

This afternoon i went out to do some shopping. I bought a sandwich at the butcher and walked to the garden and sat there eating, while i watched the others there working. It was nice.

But i also felt really tired.

I need a bit of time to rest, not worry, do the things i enjoy, read, play a game, garden and talk with friends. It is good i’m feeling this now, i was holding it back for quite some time. Temporary yes. Still, a time to recoup.

Enjoy the weekend. Salute!

Published on June 12, 2020 at 6:00 by
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A month

Yesterday i moved into my new room, which i rented for the next month. Today i decided that in this month i will think about what i want, what direction i want to move into. Last week i said to Ted that it felt to me like i was on a large marshalling yard with all tracks linking to each, with no clear idea of the direction i want to take. Confusing. I want this to become clear. As clear as possible at least.

I admit, i do feel lonely. I feel sad about it. I can not run away from this feeling, i have to go through it. I need to solve this, and if not, learn to live with this and hopefully make the best of the rest of my life.

It feels to me that the past five years i have been trying to set myself free of constraints. Free of ideas i only half belief in, free of ideas other people have put in my mind without me thinking about them.

I know i live a dangerous life. I know i have chosen this for myself. It’s not a life i particularly like. It is full of worries. Unexpected events. Sudden twists and turns. But it is my life, my own choices, my own wishes, completely my own. I am not letting go. I am not giving in.

Of course i have desires. I have needs. I would love to have some friends, people i can trust, people i can talk with about anything. And i would love to have somebody real close to me, a true friend. To hug and kiss. Somebody i am still missing in my life.

I need to fix my life. Somehow.

Published on June 9, 2020 at 6:00 by
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My final day in the house

Yesterday evening was my final evening in the house. I do feel a bit nervous, and this is just an in between stop. But for a month i do have a place to stay. I’ll be busy looking for another place.

Yesterday evening i asked Ted to lay the tarot for me once more.

The first card was the Fool. Being prepared to follow your calling. To lead the right road. Listen to your inner voice. Be foolish.

The card laid over it is the Queen of Swords. To judge clearly, intelligently, independent.

The final card is the High Priestess. Wisdom, intuition. Inner conflicts.

The cards in between show the Star, the World, the Empress. A desire for celebration, a feeling of being alone without sight and ability to move, a learning place. The helping card show a clear judgement, an ability to act and a clear view of the goal with everything pointing towards it.

I settle for that. 🙂

Published on June 8, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Talks

Yesterday i had a talk with a good friend, this morning i had another talk with another friend. In the gardens i work in, the Vredestuin Noord and the Vredestuin. The talks went well, it gave me a lot of information about myself, my thoughts and reasons for doing the things i do. Still looking for a safe place.

I have one favorite course of action i just set in motion. I’ll let you know more soon.

I did make a couple of photos in the garden. One of a dead mole i found in the Vredestuin Noord, lying right on the main path. Another photo of the cosmos flower blooming, the first flower of the seeds i bought in January. And another of the red strawberry.

I also ate a couple of cherries, before the birds got them all. Yay!

Early sunflowers
Nasturtiums and zinnia's
A red strawberry
Cosmos flower!
The dead mole with flies
The dead mole
Published on June 4, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Difficult

A day has past since i made my decision not to move in with a friend. I’m happy with that, thinking about it now.But i have put myself in a difficult position. I need to find another place this week.

I still have some money, so i’m not thrown out on the streets. I can take care of myself for the first two years.

Today i made a walk. I sat for a while in the center of town, at the Westersingel near the small canal running through it. Trying to clear my head, trying to get a grip on all the feelings running through me.
I’m meeting some of my best friends this evening and tomorrow morning to have a talk with. I will post a message on Facebook. Posting this here. And i have subscribed to several anti-squad organizations who have rooms and houses available in Rotterdam for a small rent.

I will manage!

Published on June 3, 2020 at 6:00 by
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