Surrendering
Author Archives for Ellen
Bend
Not wanting
I have been thinking about not wanting anything over the years. Difficult. Impossible it seems to me at times. Conflicting thoughts run through my mind occasionally. What do i want? Money? Freedom? The world? Fame?
Almost impossible it seems to me. And, do i really want any of those things? I’m still not sure.
I would like to sing with more confidence. It does seem to me i’m getting closer to sounding like myself more. But still on my own most of the time. Expressing myself more clearly. Yes. But still scared. Aah. Not being scared of other people. Simply being myself, expressing myself, smiling, being happy. Singing, dancing. And sometimes being quiet, looking out at the world, thinking about the world. That is something i want. Being myself, not hiding anymore, like i have done for so many times for so many years.
It’s a bit like the story of The Matrix. Am i able to find the trust, the strength within myself to see through all the bullshit going on in the world. Will i be able to find the freedom to look outwards and see all the lies floating around. To uncover the truth plainly on top, but so hard to see.
Or am i just making this up? Is this world simply the way it is. Slowly growing from one phase to the other with no possible way to stop it. And what does this corona-thing really mean?
I have no idea.
Taking care of myself
Today i watched a part of the House of Representatives debate about the records of meetings from the Dutch cabinet in 2019 publicized last week. I am in two minds about this. A a part of me thinks this is a good process, members of the House talking about these diffuse messages from the cabinet, trying to make up their minds. Another part of me is a bit cynical, doubting the members of the cabinet and their aim for truth. Well, to be honest, i doubt many people’s aim for truth, especially all politicians. Trained in the theater and public debates of politics. I prefer to be with people i trust. Mostly people from the garden.
Some things members said in the debate made me think of my own situation. The people being set back as fraudsters. The people targeted by the tax authorities. The people the Dutch government should be taking better care of.
For me, that is exactly what i do not want. If anything, i would like to get away from this, not being taken care of, not being interviewed on television with tears in my eyes, lamenting my own sorrow. Right now, i still live of the money i made with selling my house. For another ten months or so. I do sometimes think of what sort of work i would like to do, would fit in my life. Writing a column maybe. Drawing. Singing. Making a short movie. All things i would love to do. Maybe i am too old? I don’t think so. That is not my world, with everybody young and pretty and lovely.
I don’t know where this feeling i have comes from. I am growing, developing, growing up. I still have some things to do, i’m sure. This feeling of everything going right. Nothing in my world points to that. I have no friends who encourage me in this feeling. It is not something i think of every minute. But i do almost every day. But yes, not there yet.
I still need to grow up more.
Working in the garden again
This afternoon i went to the Vredestuin Noord once again. I helped out with planting out the tomatoes. There was a small bucket with around a hundred small tomato plants growing. Piece by piece we got the plants out and put them in a single pot. A watering once the whole tray was filled.
After that we planted small onions in a bed. They were a bit mixed up with celery, we had to divide all the plants carefully. Then we walked to the tree border and picked some wild garlic. Yum. 🙂
At home now. I do feel i have worked today. A lazy evening and in time to bed.
Supermoon
Yesterday’s and today’s full moon in April 2021, at a distance closest to the earth, hence the name Supermoon. More events are on this list the Astronomy Calendar of 2021.
Monday 26 April 2021
A quiet day today. I did walk to the Spoortuin with my compost bucket to empty it in their heap. Walking back through the Essenburg park, sitting on the bench around the tree for a short while. Lovely weather. Sunshine, not too cold, not too hot either. Before i went out i danced for fifteen minutes or so. Makes me so happy!
Tomorrow i will be going to my mother. It’s been more than a year since i last saw her. We do speak regularly over the phone. We will eat white asparagus with eggs and ham. Yummy 🙂
Enjoy the day!
Back to the garden
Last Friday i went to the garden the Vredestuin to make photographs. I took my camera with me. I enjoy photographing with it. The zoom lens is great. Especially all the plants and flowers are good close up. While i was there i realized i enjoyed myself. So today, Sunday, i went again. It has been a couple of months since i actually worked in the garden. But, i confess, today my main job was to clean the kitchen. Clean up the stove, order the cupboards, set back all the teacups, sweep the floor, clean up the kitchen counter.
It was lovely!
Honesty
I fell today. I tried to keep myself walking on, did a few steps half bend over, and fell. My knee is scraped. I put a light bandaged over it. It is not too bad.
I was on my way to the Albert Heijn. Bought some veggies, salmon for dinner this evening, cream for the coffee.
And now i’m home. With my hurt knee. I decided not to make a walk today. I read an article on the Guardian website: The clitoris, pain and pap smears: how Our Bodies, Ourselves redefined women’s health. It brought up a thought to write some more about my own experience of my sexual feelings. I don’t have a to-do list, so i hope the good ideas stay in my mind and i will remember it. I watched half a youtube video (Dutch) called Het ongemak van vervreemding. Maybe i watch it further. I am not sure. It did remind me of myself, my decision to stop living according to the rules in our current society. Well.
I was thinking of the political issues in the Netherlands. Politicians not speaking the truth. That is what brought me the title of this post. We will see one day where this story ends.
Honest. I can use that. I can be that. In my quiet life.
Laboratory
c. 1600, “room or building set apart for scientific experiments,” from Medieval Latin laboratorium “a place for labor or work,” from Latin laboratus, past participle of laborare “to work” (see labor (v.)). Figurative use by 1660s.
Last night i woke up around four o’clock. I had this word on my mind: laboratorium. The Dutch word for laboratory. It stems from the Latin laborare, meaning to work. In the current society it means work for scientific experiments. It stayed on my mind for a while. Thinking about science being the predominant explainer of the world, the universe, the natural laws. Science being the current maker of vaccines for the corona pandemic we are in right now. Science being the clear voice of where we are now and where we are headed.
Science in our day and age is an empirical endeavor. “Its work employs the best and the brightest in every corner of the globe, and its modes of thinking and reasoning have come to dominate the way mankind understands itself and its place” [source]. It does miss a moral touchstone. The old religions, the old philosophy are more and more devoid of meaning and put aside.
In my life, it is warmth and love and generosity which rules. I do hope i can keep myself afloat with this. It is difficult. I found some warm spots in this world, the garden most importantly. The technocratic and bureaucratic world outside my life is chilling. It is difficult to find good words to describe my feeling of being alive in this world right here and right now.
I’m still assuming i am bright enough to manage my own life. To direct my attention away from my own worries and look into the world and see what i can do about the problems i see there. I hope so.