Knives
Author Archives for Ellen
Not knowing
When i started this website, in 2015, it seemed to me i knew more subjects to write about. I wrote quite a few posts in the past years. But lately i am barren. Nothing comes out of me. Nothing i deem worthy. Or so it seems to me.
I do have thoughts, sometimes, who seem of value. Sometimes. Sometimes i read a bit and it inspires me. But when i sit behind my computer, try to think of something worth writing, i feel empty.
I hope there is an end to this feeling. I hope i will find many things to write about. As i once did.
I hope i will learn from this experience.
Fight!
This afternoon i walked to the garden, the Vredestuin. I did not intent to work. I wanted to empty the small compost bin we use in our house. I picked mint leaves for the tea. I did do the dishes, outside, together with Davine. It was great weather, sunny, around 20 degrees Celsius. Springtime greens are abundant. Th trees, shrubs, the cows parsley along the Essenburgsingel, lovely!
I’m thinking, while i walked to the garden. I know i am still living of the money i got for my house. Another year or so. I am reading books, watching youtube videos with many different people talking about the world, about corona, about medicine, about economics. It is difficult to find my own way in this maze of opinions. I don’t know how i will respond if someone asks me questions. I hope i can stay with my own thoughts, stay calm, stay level headed. There are so many things i don’t agree with. Economics, business processes first of all. That is not my world.
I do know i want to fight. Let my thoughts be heard. Ask questions. Fight for this world. So beautiful, so alive. So rare in this universe. The way we treat our world is terrible. The way we treat our fellow humans is terrible.
I’m not the first person to say we need to fight. Of course not. I am simply joining. I hope i’m not too late.
Calling
I do recognize the event of a calling within my life. A calling is amongst other things a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence [source]. I do not consider myself to be religious, but i do value religion. In our current society religion is mostly seen as being old-fashioned, something of a bygone era. I see the many wrong things in religion, but there also many good things within it.
This calling i described has happened a couple of times in my life, the last time in 2014. Since then i let my life go through my hands. I stopped trying to earn a living, i sold my house. I still live on the money i made then.
I am still my own worst enemy. It is very hard for me to believe in this so-called calling. I still don’t. I still refuse. I just want to be myself, live my life in this world, the life meant for me. That i do believe. Our world believes in accidents, coincidences. Nothing is meant to be. I am not sure that is the truth. Even though half of me tries to convince myself that is the case, that is how this world operates. Just chance, nothing of meaning in it.
I do hope you will enjoy the weekend. Make a walk. Smile at people around you. Pat a dog you pass. Or a cat.
Salute!
The Voedseltuin
A walk to the library
Today i walked to the library. So happy it is open again! The first part i walked up with Eric, my house lord with his little dog Blue. After i walked through the Spoortuin, then along the Westersingel to the Hema, where i bought half a rookworst. I sat there on a bench eating it, looking around me. Then i walked on to the library, over the market. A woman started talking to me, right before it. If i knew Our Father and Our Mother were taking care of us. We started a short talk and argued over Maria Magdalena. I was pretty sure she was not Mary the mother of Jesus. I also didn’t agree with her that God (my term, she kept saying Our Father) will take care of us. I think most of the hardships in the world are to make us stronger. But hey, that is only my opinion.
Well, that is my story for today. It is getting a bit warmer. Even though there was a bit of rain falling from the sky today. Most of it while i was back at home, happy to say.
Enjoy your day!
Sorry
Keeping quiet
I am still thinking about my future. If i have one. I enjoy the walks i make almost every day. I enjoy smiling at people, saying hi, good morning, good afternoon, good day, sometimes chat with them, looking at the dogs, sometimes patting them. Simple things.
I try to make my head clear, see around me, think about the things happening. This is difficult. It is so easy to let the society in which i live determine me. The people around me determine me. I feel the space around me becoming smaller, tighter. Money. Yes.
I still have enough for the next year. But i don’t want to wait till its all gone.
I am getting closer, i can feel it. But it is hard.
I would like to write about science, personal big data, shopping / retail, gardening, permaculture, movies and their meanings, the life people lead, dogs and cats and birds, food and so many other things. Most of these things i have already written about sure. But to try and get it all into one perspective. Yes!
White girl
A bit messy
At times it is difficult for me to stay on course. To keep the feeling of where i am headed to, what i want to say. At the right time. What i want to say clearly, with a focused mind. Because i believe it, i trust in it.
I can feel the turmoil within myself.
I have talked about so many things on this website: the world, gardening, movies, music, reading, science. It feels to me i try to gather everything in my head and spit it out in a clear and decisive way. Impossible of course. I feel so stupid.
I need to find a good place to start. Something clear, to me anyway. Get my mind in order!