Behind
Author Archives for Ellen
What i do not want
I enjoy watching Escape to the Country. I do think earlier, a couple of years ago, i would like to live in a house like those shown in there. Especially the above 600k pounds one of course. But lately, for the past couple of months, i do realise i do not want this. Not anymore. I do not want the peace and quiet. I do not want the lazy drawn out afternoons. I do not want to walk outside over the fields and the footpaths. Not anymore.
I put on weight. I drank a bottle of wine each day. This lasted until 2011, when i got the diagnosis of diabetes 2. I didn’t think much about it at first. I took my medicines. I did stop drinking that much, but still a bottle of wine each week. I have lost around twenty kilos, i’m happy to say. The final ten are a pain, but i do hope i will manage somehow. And around two years ago i stopped drinking alcohol pretty much all together. Two bottles a year, one for Christmas, one for my birthday. And i might even stop with those. Together with the ketogenic diet i do feel i’m stopping the development of the diabetes somehow. And getting healthier at the same time.
I haven’t been working in the garden for the last few months. I’m not sure why. It does feel like i should take a bit more distance, decide what i want to do there, if anything. It feels like i should make some important decisions. Some decisions i can not talk about with other people. Yes that is it. I do feel something looming over me. The past two weeks i have not been my usual cheery self. I am stuck in front of something. I do need to determine what direction i want to move into. It is all a bit muddy inside my head. But it should clear up over time.
VTV De Zandweg
Ketogenic diet
On June 12 2019 i wrote my first post about the keto diet, called Keto chocolate chip almond flour cookies. I am on this journey for around three years now. From low carb to keto. And now i’m quite strict with myself. I don’t drink any alcohol, i buy a 90% chocolate bar once or twice a week, i stopped putting erythritol in my coffee, i don’t eat any bread. No pasta, no rice, no potatoes. I have some chorizo in my cupboard upstairs, walnuts. I make my own dressing for salads. I breakfast with a bulletproof coffee, a double espresso with a knob of butter and some cream. I lunch with a salad with mushrooms, bell peppers, cucumber, tomatoes, and either an egg or feta or smoked salmon. My dinner is usually a baked sausage or chicken thigh and veggies like spinach or cauliflower or another salad.
I did measure my glucose before i wrote this post, it is 6,0 mmol/L, which is fine. A month ago i measure it for around a week multiple times a day, it was between 5 and 6 the whole time.
In my room i have some tea, walnuts, chorizo and chocolate.
In the kitchen i have some eggs, anchovies, peppers, aubergine (eggplant), tomatoes, apple vinegar, olive oil, olives and coconut oil.
In the fridge i have a cauliflower, spinach, chicket, cucumber, bacon, ham, cream, butter, cottage cheese and cream cheese.
My dinner this evening: aubergine fried, then a whole tin of anchovies, three gloves of garlic, chicken, green olives, bell peppers and a tin of tomatoes. Stewed for around 45 minutes. Lovely.
A walk
Yin and Yang
Today
Early in the morning i put my dirty clothes and bed linen in the washing machine. I went downstairs and got my double espresso with a bit of butter and some whipping cream. In the morning i do go through all the new things on my iPad: Feedly with my rss-feeds first, than a bit of facebook, youtube, twitter, Flipboard. The game i play right now is Shop Titans. I don’t pay anything for it, so it goes slow. Then i start up my computer, check my mail and start up a game of warcraft. I’m on my second private server in a week. Just checking out the game.
In the afternoon i went out for a short walk, which got even shorter because of the rainfall. I went into the supermarket AH for some shopping: some veggies, sausages, walnuts and whipping cream. Back home. Lucky it was dry then.
I feel better. I don’t worry too much. I still have confidence in myself. Lucky!
Learning nothing
Sometimes i think i should stop trying to write something here on this blog. I fail at it so many times. I’m much better making photographs and making drawings. Or in singing songs, even though i’m not very good at that either.
I guess i enjoy failing at writing too much. Or at drawing! I just got back to working at my drawing, and after a short time i found myself full of doubts. Was this drawing the one i wanted to make? Really? I stopped and i’m giving myself some time to think about this. I’m not sure to be honest.
Yesterday i went to the library with the thought i would get the book called De grote mythen van de moderne geschiedenis (The great myths of modern history) once again. I didn’t find it. The day before i was thinking about so many non-truths which are spread around. This book discusses a few of them. (I just went to the website of the library and made a reservation for this book. I can get it tomorrow or the day after. Yay!)
I do feel hopeless. I feel stuck in a place. I’m still not giving up. I still think there are ways of speaking here which i haven’t found yet. Not about knowing, no. More about being unsure, being ill at ease. Which is what i am right now. That is much closer to it. I do hope i can find it.
Love and pain
Traveling to Mars and setting up a colony over there is a common wish. I had talks about this with people from the garden. I was very much against it, others were not so adamant. I did alter my ideas a bit, saying it would be good to have a long term project, to be started once we have our current troubles on planet Earth under control. Within lets say a hundred or two hundred years. You know, short term.
Our current troubles. Opinions differ in this respect. I am on the pessimistic side. I do believe there are troubles. The diminishing diversity of mammals and insects in Europe. The vast grasslands with no other plants in the Netherlands. I take my examples from Europe, because this is the area where i live. But the examples can be taken from all over the world. It seems to be an endless list of things going wrong. And it all starts with money.
I’m putting in a break here. I have been working on this piece for over a day. I haven’t been writing all that time. Most of the time i felt anxious, worried. Like a fog enveloping me, preventing me from looking out ahead. Like the story i want to tell is moving on without me taking charge. The truth is that i have told this story here before. Not exactly in these words, but still, the same story.
We need to fight. Fight for what we believe in. Fight against the constantly buying new stuff. Fight for a million other things. It is almost too much really. I am on the brink of feeling desperate. I do hope i can get to a place from where i can start making sense.
Because i am not right now.
Walking through the park
