Author Archives for Ellen

Tinder

Over the past few years i had advice from people around me to go on Tinder. This was in reply to my confession i still wanted a boyfriend, above all things. Tinder seemed to be an easy way to get one fast.

My middle sister told me around four years ago. ‘Go on Tinder’ she said one evening. My eldest sister actually replied to her that it was not necessary to be on Tinder to find a proper boyfriend. I’m glad to say. The house boss a year ago advised me the same thing. ‘Go on Tinder, you’ll find someone in no time!’ No i said. I don’t want to. A friend from the garden told me this year that he had found a nice girlfriend on Tinder. I should do the same! No i said. But i would think about it. I said.

I am not saying all the people go on Tinder for one reason only (sex for the uninformed). I’m sure many people are trying their best to look for the love of their life. I would be such a person. I would be careful in how i would profile myself, who i would like. Of course. It is just, i am not looking for one specific person. Not right now.

I would really like to have my life in order, have something to earn money with, have a place to live. I would really like to be able to talk with people of all different kinds about all sorts of things: how to best feed yourself, how to farm, how to garden, how to work in this world, how to preserve this world for the future. I would love to make money with my drawings, with my walks, my gardening, cooking, writings. My singing even, my making videos.

I would really like to be with somebody of course. But just not right now.

Well, at least i keep telling myself 🙂

Published on September 24, 2021 at 6:00 by

The Monarchy of Fear

Naked and Afraid
By Martha Nussbaum

By Martha Nussbaum, from The Monarchy of Fear, which was published last month by Simon and Schuster. Nussbaum is a professor of law and philosophy at the University of Chicago and the author of more than twenty books. Source

You are lying on your back in the dark. You see, you hear, you feel, but you can’t act. You are completely, simply, helpless.

This is the stuff of nightmares. Most of us have nightmares of helplessness, in which we feel a terrible fear of inescapable demons pursuing us—and perhaps an even greater fear of our own powerlessness. But this horror story is also the condition of every human baby. Calves, foals, chicks, puppies, baby elephants and dolphins—­almost all other animals learn to move very quickly, more or less right after birth. Only human beings remain helpless for years, and only we survive that helpless condition. As Lucretius, the Roman poet of the first century bc, wrote,

the baby, like a sailor cast forth from the fierce waves, lies naked on the ground, unable to speak, in need of every sort of help to stay alive, when first nature casts it forth with birth contractions from its mother’s womb into the shores of light. And it fills the whole place with mournful weeping, as is fitting for one to whom such trouble remains in life.

Politics begins where we begin. Most political philosophers have been male, and even if they had children they did not typically spend time with them or observe them closely. Lucretius’ poetic imagination led him to places where his life probably did not. But philosophy made big strides when one of democracy’s great early theorists, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, a major intellectual architect of the revolutionary anti-monarchical politics of the eighteenth century, wrote about the education of children with a deep understanding of the psychology of infancy. Rousseau was the opposite of a loving parent: he sent his children to a foundling hospital, without even recording their dates of birth. Somehow, though, through his various experiments in teaching other people’s young children, through conversations with women, through memories of his childhood, through his close reading of Lucretius and other Roman philosophers, and through his own poetic imagination, he understood that early need creates problems for the type of political order he sought. He understood the dangers this condition posed for the democratic project.

Human life, Rousseau understood, begins not in democracy but in monarchy. The baby has no way of surviving except through reliance on caretakers—and so it makes slaves of others. Babies must either rule or die. Incapable of shared work or reciprocity, they receive what they need only by commands and threats, and by exploiting the worshipful love given them by others. (In letters, Rousseau made it clear that this was why he abandoned his children: he didn’t have time to be at a baby’s beck and call.)

We come into a world with which we are not ready to cope. The discrepancy between the very slow physical development of the human infant and its rapid cognitive development makes fear the defining emotion of infancy. Adults are amused by the baby’s futile kicking and undisturbed by its crying because they know they are going to feed, clothe, protect, and nurture it. The infant, however, knows nothing of trust, regularity, or security. Its limited experience and short time horizons mean that only the present torment is fully real, and moments of reassurance, fleeting and unstable, quickly lead back to insufficiency and terror. Even joy is tainted by anxiety, since to the infant it seems all too likely to slip away.

We usually survive this condition. We do not survive it without being formed, and deformed, by it. Neurological research on fear has shown that the scars of early fright stimuli endure and become a continuing influence on daily life.

Fear is not only the earliest emotion in human life; it is also the most broadly shared within the animal kingdom. To experience other emotions, such as compassion, you need a sophisticated set of thoughts: that someone else is suffering, that the suffering is bad, that it would be good for it to be relieved. But to have fear, all you need is an awareness of danger looming. The thoughts involved don’t require language, only perception and some vague sense of one’s own good or ill.

Fear is not just primitive; it is also asocial. When we feel compassion, we are turned outward: we think of what is happening to others and what is causing it. But you don’t need society to have fear; you need only yourself and a threatening world. Indeed, fear is intensely narcissistic. An infant’s fear is entirely focused on its own body. Even when, later on, we become capable of concern for others, fear often drives that concern away, returning us to infantile solipsism.

Marcel Proust, in In Search of Lost Time, imagines a child, his narrator, who remains unusually prone to fear, especially at bedtime. Young Marcel’s terror compels him to demand that his mother come to his room and stay as late as possible. His fear inspires in him a need to control others. He has no interest in what would make his mother happy. Dominated by fear, he needs her to be at his command. This pattern marks all his subsequent relationships, particularly that with Albertine, his great love. He cannot stand Albertine’s independence. It makes him too anxious. Lack of full control makes him crazy with fear and jealousy. The unfortunate result, which he narrates with great self-knowledge, is that he feels secure with Albertine only when she is asleep. He never really loves her as she is, because as she is she is not his own.

Proust supports Rousseau’s point that fear is the emotion of an absolute monarch who cares about nothing and nobody else. This is not the case for other animals, which are capable of acting independently almost as soon as they are capable of feeling fear. Their fear in infancy, so far as we can tell, remains within bounds and doesn’t impede concern for and cooperation with others. Elephants, for example, which are famously communal and altruistic, act reciprocally with their herd almost from birth. Young elephants may run to adult females for comfort, but they also play games with others and gradually learn a rich emotional vocabulary. The powerless human baby, on the other hand, can only terrorize others.

In childhood, concern, love, and reciprocity are staggering achievements, won against fierce opposition. Donald Winnicott, a great psychoanalyst and pediatrician, invented a concept for what children need if they are to develop concern for others. He called these conditions the facilitating environment. Applying this idea to the family, he showed that the home must have a core of basic loving stability and must be free from sadism and child abuse. But the facilitating environment has economic and social preconditions as well: there must be basic freedom from violence and chaos, from fear of ethnic persecution and terror; there must be enough to eat and basic health care. Working with children who were evacuated from war zones, he understood the psychic costs of external chaos. He recognized that an individual’s ability to reach outward is inflected by political concerns, that the personal and the political are inseparable. Win­nicott kept returning to political questions throughout his career. What should we be striving for as a nation if we want children to become capable of reciprocity and happiness?

Winnicott thought that people could attain “mature interdependence” if they had a facilitating environment. His focus was on attaining such an environment in the individual child’s life in the family. But his wartime work led him to speculate about the larger question: What would it be like for society as a whole to be a facilitating environment for the cultivation of its people and their human relationships?

Such a society, he thought (as the Cold War advanced), would have to be a freedom–protecting democracy, since only that form of society fully and equally nourished people’s capacities to grow, play, act, and express themselves. Win­nicott thought that a key job of government was to support families. Families cannot make children secure and balanced, capable of withstanding onslaughts of fear, if they are hungry or if they lack medical care, if they lack good schools and a safe neighborhood environment. He repeatedly connected democracy with psychic health: to live with others on terms of mutual interdependence and equality, people have to transcend the narcissism in which we all start life. We have to renounce the wish to enslave others, substituting concern, goodwill, and the acceptance of limits for infantile aggression.

But how? It’s an urgent question, and the stakes are high. Fear always simmers beneath the surface of moral concern, and it threatens to destabilize democracy. Right now, fear is running rampant in our nation: fear of declining living standards, of unemployment, of the absence of health care in times of need; fear of an end to the American dream, in which you can be confident that hard work brings a decent and stable life and that your children will do better than you did if they, too, work hard.

Our narrative of fear tells us that very bad things can happen. Citizens may become indifferent to truth and prefer the comfort of an insulating group of peers who repeat one another’s falsehoods. They may become afraid of speaking out, preferring the comfort of a leader who gives them a womblike feeling of safety. And they may become aggressive against others, blaming them for the pain of fear.

When the underlying facts are right, fear can be a useful guide in many areas of democratic life. Fear of terrorism, fear of unsafe highways and bridges, fear of the loss of freedom itself: all of these can prompt useful protective action. But directed to the very future of the democratic project itself, a fearful approach is likely to be dangerous, leading people to seek autocratic control or the protection of someone who will control outcomes for them. Martin Luther King Jr. understood that a fearful approach to the future of race relations would play straight into the hands of those who sought to manage things by violence, a kind of preemptive strike. His emphasis on hope was an attempt to flip the switch, getting people to dwell mentally on good outcomes that could come about through peaceful work and cooperation.

Hope is the inverse of fear. Both react to uncertainty, but in opposing ways. Hope expands and surges forward, fear shrinks back. Hope is vulnerable, fear is self-protective. This is the difference.

The Guardian review

Published on September 23, 2021 at 6:00 by

Harvest Moon

Autumn 2021
Start September Equinox
22 Sep 21:21 Central European Time

The Harvest Moon is the Full Moon nearest the September equinox, which occurs around September 22.

Published on September 21, 2021 at 6:00 by

Thinking about stuff

Early in the afternoon i went out for a short walk. Quite suddenly really, i hadn’t thought about doing this at all during the morning. I went to the bench curving around the tree in the park behind my current house. I made a photo of the view, as i have done quite a few times before. Then i made a photo of myself. I sat there only for five minutes or so. Then i walked on.

It is almost seven years now since i decided to live my own life, sell of my house, live of the money i made of that, do whatever to try to get something out of myself. It is hard. For the past six months i have been living in my current house. In a month i will be moving to another house, from friends of friends who will be moving away for six months. I am looking forward to that. My own little place.

I don’t know how i will continue. Well, apart from this blog of course. Drawings, photographs, writings mostly. Onward.

Published on September 17, 2021 at 6:00 by

Abortion and other things

I am not sure how i feel about abortion. For me right now it is no longer an issue, since i can not get pregnant anymore. I’m also quite careful with myself. I did not have penetrative sex with anybody for the past 28 years. But when i was younger i was taking the pill for five years. Taking the pill. Simple words for something not so simple at all. When i was around 21 or 22 years old i stopped taking it. I wasn’t having sex, i felt i was putting these hormones in my system each and every day for no reason at all. Well, apart from my period. But once i stopped with them i found out my period wasn’t giving me the aches i had when i was younger. So that was that.

In 1993 i had a short relationship of around two months. The last time we had sex the condom broke. My partner suggested to me to take a morning after pill. Which i did. I didn’t want to get pregnant. Of course i was uncertain i was pregnant at all, but to be sure i felt it was a passable thing to do. I never had any thoughts about having a abortion ever in my life. I’m happy to say.

What would i have done if i was pregnant? In the ideal situation i would be in a steady relationship and i would have gotten the child. But if not, what would i have done? I don’t know. I have been thinking about this for the past few years. Or rather, thinking about why i never got a child, why i never got a boyfriend. Was i too picky? Was i setting myself up with too high demands? Didn’t i have a child wish?

I don’t think i had. I’m leaving behind the question why i didn’t have a boyfriend to another post, or not talk about that at all. A child of my own. No, that wasn’t in my system. I cried over it one time in my early 40s. The past few years i thought about this once again and i do feel sorrow over this. Sorrow my life will not be the usual life most people experience, of having a relationship, having children growing up in your care.

While i’m writing this i do feel tears coming up. But i am not full of regret. I can accept this as a fact, as a consequence of my own choosing how to live my own life. I can see the different roads a life can take. I took a different path than the one most people take.

I do feel the need to be more careful with me take on abortion. I’m not against it, but i am also not in favour of it. Sex and procreation are basically the same thing. The use of the pill, over the past sixty years has build a division between them. Nowadays people are used to having sex with no consequences at all. And when a little accident happens, something that doesn’t fit into your life, you get rid of it. I find myself doubting my own views from when i was so much younger, when i was so very much pro abortion, in an idealized sense of course. On the whole i do criticize my own thoughts from those days, my 20s and 30s mostly. I don’t think i was actually thinking my thoughts in that time. Simply repeating the things i heard around me, making a selection of the best sounding thoughts.

Right now i am trying to stay clear of having my own set of thoughts. I am trying to listen more, stay quiet and pay attention what other people are saying, without letting these thoughts taking me over.

Strange how ones life can develop over time.

Published on September 14, 2021 at 6:00 by