Author Archives for Ellen

Tick Tock

Time never stops. Each second ticks away into the past. Relentlessly.

We have divided the time we have in seconds, minutes, hours, days, years. Make them countable. Make them measurable. We can say how many seconds we have lived up until now. Now. Now! The world turns around the sun; this is the basis of our division of time. Spring, winter, summer, autumn. It is the tilt of the earth in connection of its orbit around the sun which causes our seasons.

The passage of time does trouble me. I have only four months or so until my money runs out. I still am not giving up my quest for telling a comprehensive story. For showing people where i am at right now. To be open and genuine with what i want to say. I am still not thinking of quitting this search.

Let it go. Conform to the current working ethic. Work or you will find yourself homeless. Please.

It is a quest. Seven years since i started to work again on my website. But really, it all started when i was twenty-one, that day in February when i made my drawings. Which turned out to be so important to me.

Tick tock. Times moves forward. A part of me wants to hold back time. Another part of me wants it to move on faster, faster. Its no use of course. Time keeps on ticking endlessly.

Tick tock.

Published on February 1, 2022 at 6:00 by

Past days and nights

Yesterday morning someone asked me the following question at the harvest market: ‘Do i think i have something to say to the world?’ I thought about this for a short time. ‘Yes’ i said ‘i do think that i have something to say to the world. But i do think most people have something to say, if not all. What hurts me is that we are learned not to say anything.’

I felt happy with this answer. I still do.

Last night i was lying awake for a time in the middle of the night. I was thinking of a post i wanted to write. I have half forgotten this now. But this morning when i woke up the memory was still close to me.

It had something to do with this book i started reading yesterday: Hare Brain Tortoise Mind. Why Intelligence Increases When You Think Less written by Guy Claxton. Published in the late 90s, it is about the difference between being smart and clever and being intuitive and creative. Currently the main focus of what we learn in school and university and in life is the first one: being smart and clever. Deduce and calculate your way into a job or being rich or whatever.

In my life right now my main working attitude is intuitive and creative. I actually need to learn to be smart and clever. To become well-known. To not worry about money anymore.

But my thoughts of last night keep staying away from me, i’m sad to say. I do hope they or any thoughts worth writing up here on this website will come back to me. Or i will get up out of bed in the middle of the night and write them up. Do that!

Published on January 31, 2022 at 6:00 by

In a whirlwind

I was thinking. Just yet. What am i gonna write today? I went upstairs. I’m taking care of the cat of my neighbour who lives above me. I played with Joep. He/she is quite fierce. Slapping me with his paw. Not with the nails out. I gave him some fresh water and cleaned up her litter box.

Downstairs again. I made a cup of tea. And then this thought came up. So i got my first bit.

I am watching a youtube video called Talking masculinity with the ‘most dangerous therapist in the world’, Jerry Hide. It made me think of what kind of man i am interested in. What kind of man i would like to be interested in me. Not sure i am there yet. I will watch it from where i left and return here. Be right back!

I hope i have something to say. It feels to me that i do. I think in the past i have felt portions of this. I remember in the past couple of years moments of clarity. They do pass. I need to work at it. It is all muddled through.

I hope my life is part of a story. A narrative. I am actually fighting against it. I know i need to give up fighting this battle. Go with it, not against it. But this is so hard. It is still not clear enough for me. It is a mess. I still have this believe in my own free will. I take direction in my life. It is all up to me. But it is not. It feels to me that once i give up fighting, once i can set my life in its own course, than i can simply gain my life back. Because right now it doesn’t feel like my life at all. Right now i have my head full of dreams, but nothing on the outside as proof of these dreams. That they exist, they are mine.

That is it for today. I hope you have a good weekend. Salute!

Published on January 28, 2022 at 6:00 by

What is present

This moment… relatively speaking, we can call it present. But if we look at the watch, then our minute consists of seconds. Seconds also can be divided to 60 pieces. Then, within one millisecond there is also past and future. So, half is past, half is future. No present. We cannot find the present. Without present, there is no basis for past and future. So, if we don’t investigate in such a way, then generally we can say “present”. Present minute means one minute period. Present hour means sixty minutes period. Today, present day, is 24 hours. Present month is 30 days. Isn’t it? Present eon is billions of years. Everything is relative.

Published on January 27, 2022 at 6:00 by

Get free out of jail

I feel really tired, even though last night i slept quite well. But the two nights (or was it three?) before i slept hardly at all.

So i’m gonna use my free out of jail card. Talk to you tomorrow!

Published on January 26, 2022 at 6:00 by

43. Kuai / Break-through

43. Kuai / Break-through (Resoluteness)

above TUI THE JOYOUS, LAKE
below CH’IEN THE CREATIVE, HEAVEN

This hexagram signifies on the one hand a break-through after a long accumulation of tension, as a swollen river breaks through its dikes, or in the manner of a cloudburst. On the other hand, applied to human conditions, it refers to the time when inferior people gradually begin to disappear. Their influence is on the wane; as a result of resolute action, a change in conditions occurs, a break-through. The hexagram is linked with the third month [April-May].

THE JUDGMENT

BREAK-THROUGH. One must resolutely make the matter known
At the court of the king.
It must be announced truthfully. Danger.
It is necessary to notify one’s own city.
It does not further to resort to arms.
It furthers one to undertake something.

Even if only one inferior man is occupying a ruling position in a city, he is able to oppress superior men. Even a single passion still lurking in the heart has power to obscure reason. Passion and reason cannot exist side by side-therefore fight without quarter is necessary if the good is to prevail.
In a resolute struggle of the good against evil, there are, however, definite rules that must not be disregarded, if it is to succeed. First, resolution must be based on a union of strength and friendliness. Second, a compromise with evil is not possible; evil must under all circumstances be openly discredited. Nor must our own passions and shortcomings be glossed over. Third, the struggle must not be carried on directly by force. If evil is branded, it thinks of weapons, and if we do it the favor of fighting against it blow for blow, we lose in the end because thus we ourselves get entangled in hatred and passion. Therefore it is important to begin at home, to be on guard in our own persons against the faults we have branded. In this way, finding no opponent, the sharp edges of the weapons of evil becomes dulled. For the same reasons we should not combat our own faults directly. As long as we wrestle with them, they continue victorious. Finally, the best way to fight evil is to make energetic progress in the good.

THE IMAGE

The lake has risen up to heaven:
The image of BREAK-THROUGH.
Thus the superior man
Dispenses riches downward
And refrains from resting on his virtue.

When the water of a lake has risen up to heaven, there is reason to fear a cloudburst. Taking this as a warning, the superior man forestalls a violent collapse. If a man were to pile up riches for himself alone, without considering others, he would certainly experience a collapse. If a man were to pile up riches for himself alone, without considering others, he would certainly experience a collapse. For all gathering is followed by dispersion. Therefore the superior man begins to distribute while he is accumulating. In the same way, in developing his character he takes care not to become hardened in obstinacy but to remain receptive to impressions by help of strict and continuous self-examination.

Nine in the third place means:
To be powerful in the cheekbones
Brings misfortune.
The superior man is firmly resolved.
He walks alone and is caught in the rain.
He is bespattered,
And people murmur against him.
No blame.

Here we have a man in an ambiguous situation. While all others are engaged in a resolute fight against all that is inferior, he alone has a certain relationship with an inferior man. If he were to show strength outwardly and turn against this man before the time is ripe, he would only endanger the entire situation, because the inferior man would too quickly have recourse to countermeasures. The task of the superior man becomes extremely difficult here. He must be firmly resolved within himself and, while maintaining association with the inferior man, avoid any participation in his evilness. He will of course be misjudged. It will be thought that he belong to the party of the inferior man. He will be lonely because no one will understand him. His relations with the inferior man will sully him in the eyes of the multitude, and they will turn against him, grumbling. But he can endure this lack of appreciation and makes no mistake, because he remains true to himself.

° Nine in the fifth place means:
In dealing with weeds,
Firm resolution is necessary.
Walking in the middle
Remains free of blame.

Weeds always grow back again and are difficult to exterminate. So too the struggle against an inferior man in a high position demands firm resolution. One has certain relations with him, hence there is danger that one may give up the struggle as hopeless. But this must not be. One must go on resolutely and not allow himself to be deflected from him course. Only in this way does one remain free of blame.

54. Kuei Mei / The Marrying Maiden

above CHêN THE AROUSING, THUNDER
below TUI THE JOYOUS, LAKE

Above we have Chên, the eldest son, and below, Tui, the youngest daughter. The man leads and the girl follows him in gladness. The picture is that of the entrance of the girl into her husband’s house. In all, there are four hexagrams depicting the relationship between husband and wife. Hsien, INFLUENCE, (31), describes the attraction that a young couple have for each other; Hêng, DURATION (32), portrays the permanent relationships of marriage; Chien, DEVELOPMENT (53), reflects the protracted, ceremonious procedures attending THE MARRYING MAIDEN, shows a young girl under the guidance of an older man who marries her.

THE JUDGMENT

THE MARRYING MAIDEN.
Undertakings bring misfortune.
Nothing that would further.

A girl who is taken into the family, but not as the chief wife, must behave with special caution and reserve. She must not take it upon herself to supplant the mistress of the house, for that would mean disorder and lead to untenable relationships.
The same is true of all voluntary relationships between human beings. While legally regulated relationships based on personal inclination depend in the long run entirely on tactful reserve.
Affection as the essential principle of relatedness is of the greatest importance in all relationships in the world. For the union of heaven and earth is the origin of the whole of nature. Among human beings likewise, spontaneous affection is the all-inclusive principle of union.

THE IMAGE

Thunder over the lake:
The image of THE MARRYING MAIDEN.
Thus the superior man
Understands the transitory
In the light of the eternity of the end.

Thunder stirs the water of the lake, which follows it in shimmering waves. This symbolizes the girl who follows the man of her choice. But every relationship between individuals bears within it the danger that wrong turns may be taken, leading to endless misunderstandings and disagreements. Therefore it is necessary constantly to remain mindful of the end. If we permit ourselves to drift along, we come together and are parted again as the day may determine. If on the other hand a man fixes his mind on an end that endures, he will succeed in avoiding the reefs that confront the closer relationships of people.

Published on January 25, 2022 at 6:00 by

Nation State

Shared widely is the current understanding of a nation state, a country. It seems that around two hundred years ago this idea of a country came into existence. Before that humans died so much younger, people didn’t travel that far, didn’t speak to someone else over a long distance through a ‘telephone’, didn’t write for a worldwide audience on the internet.

The nation state made possible our current notion of a constitutional state with a social safety net. The residents of these states were given a livelihood and a clear identity. Especially over the last two hundred years lives have changed. But does that make us happy? Does it give us a full-filled life? Does it give us a sense of purpose wide enough?

I have my own sense of impending doom which makes my life difficult at the moment. But i am still not changing my ways. I still have the sense somewhere close in the future lies my salvation. Close yes, within a month or two. I’m burning up every penny i have to find a new way to live, a new cause to fight for, a new story to tell.

We need to work at our earth. We need to right the wrongs we have done here. There is so much work to be done here: make the cities nicer places to live, make the forests wilder, make the plains a better place with loads more wildflowers. Make the grass fields we are so proud of disappear. They are no use to us. These mono cultures are a waste of space. Make the oceans cleaner and stop emptying them of fish and filling them with plastics and pesticides. Make less babies. Stop using all sorts of sugar in our food. Stop it!

This is only a small piece of things we should be working on. Not all the wasteful jobs we have right now. This is what we should fight for.

Get rid of stupid economic neoliberal system. Once and for all!

Source
Kerstessay: Waarom onze politiek geregeerd wordt door doodsangst

Published on January 21, 2022 at 6:00 by