Author Archives for Ellen

A talk between friends on the market

Last Saturday it was a lovely day, a bit cold in the morning, but towards the afternoon it got warmer. The sun was shining the whole day.

I arrived on the market around eleven. A good friend was there sitting talking with another good friend. Great! We started talking. He asked me about my storage for my things, my furniture, books and records. “I only have enough money for two to three months” i said. He did have another option, but it is all the way close to Germany. But i’ll keep it in mind.

Then another friend came. He said he was worried about two things. One is the Ukrainian – Russian war. The other one was me. He felt i was sitting in a race car going against all hope towards the end where i’m about to crash.

We talked about this for a while. I could only say i understood the worry some people expressed. But to me it is a open and clear cut case: my website is the most important thing to me. I will leave anything to keep it going. But i do understand that my money is running low to non-existant.

On my way back home while i was thinking about this problem i came to a conclusion: I am giving myself one more week. One more week to turn this ship around. One more week to make myself clear to the world. As that is what i believe i need to do.

Of course i hope i will make this work. But i need to be careful, i need to be precise. Today, Sunday 6 March 2022, i felt an mixture of emotions. A complete trust in myself versus a feeling of failing. I don’t know what it will be. I do hope my trust in myself will keep me going. For years.

Published on March 7, 2022 at 6:00 by
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Mad as hell

Over the past few weeks i have been lying awake during the night. My mind is worried. Worried about my money running out slowly but surely. The past day i thought about applying for a temporary job. That is not what i want, but it might seem to be the only real way out for me. Because i don’t want to live dependent on the friends i have.

At the same time i want to bump into that money limit. It is a completely imaginary way of almost dying, disappearing from life. That is what appeals to me. I don’t want to go back to working and making a living and dying in some place unremarkable with no history and nothing to show for my life. But, on the other hand, i can imagine my life being quiet and unremarkable and about learning to control my inner urges, which of course i do have. A restful life.

Why do i need to pick a side? Why can’t i simply live my life as i see fit? Well, the world and the people are not that fair. You need to fight for what you want. I have had it easy so far. So buckle up and take it as it comes to you, miss Pronk.

I have been hiding. I crept away. I was satisfied working here on this website with no clear goal.

And of course i am mad as hell. It is no use though. If i want something, fight for it!

Published on March 4, 2022 at 6:00 by
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More quiet now

I do enjoy the quiet. The past few days, since the day the war between Russia and Ukraine started, i was very much into twitter, youtube and even television. I watched the news, strangely for me.

I love the quiet, the solitude, the silence. The cars are far away, mostly i hear the birds singing their song lately. Early spring singing. It is my basis. Of course this doesn’t mean i can not handle any upheaval or confusion in my life. I know i can.

Published on March 3, 2022 at 6:00 by
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Quiet and angry

With the war going on between the Ukraine and Russia, i’m in between feeling angry and quiet. Angry with the world, with the way things are developing. Quiet because that is me. Of course now is not the time to be quiet. I want to yell. Scream. But no, i am not. Not yet anyway.

This is a confusing time. The war between Russia and the Ukraine goes against anything i can imagine. The deaths, the destruction, the fleeing of people, it is all so devastating. My mind tries to understand something of Putin, but this is too farfetched. Even when reading about people like Dugin – see my post of yesterday – it is alien to me.

I think back on the previous wars: the Iraq war, the war in North-West Pakistan, the war in Yemen, the war in Lebanon, the war in Somalia, the war in Georgia, the Boko Harum uprising, the Syrian civil war. This is just a selection of the wars in the world from 2003 till the present day. Three quarters of these wars i had never even heard about. I live here in the Netherlands feeling safe and protected.

In between the ongoing assault of the war news is a frightening message from the IPCC: “This report is a dire warning about the consequences of inaction”. We are at the edge of counter measures against the climate change. Only for around ten years will measures we take have an effect.

Part of me rejects reading this message on the news website and on twitter. As i do all other messages i read which aren’t about the war. Something i have to fight within myself. The current war is a problem, of course, but there are so many other problems going on in the world right now.

And yet, to me this world seems to be going on and on. Wars, floods, fires, volcano eruptions, it all keeps on happening. There are only moments of peace and tranquility. It seems.

I do want to find rest within myself. And at times i find it. To loose it all once again. Like i did the last few days.

I stand still and straight.

Salute!

Published on March 2, 2022 at 6:00 by
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Money is a myth

This tweet stayed in my head over the past day: money is a myth. It is part of a long tweet line from Kameel Galeev (Not sure this is his real name, but it is his twitter name).

I am against war, of course. But in this case i am all for the Ukrainian people fighting against the Russians. It is deeply tragic that Russia invaded the Ukraine. One name which surfaces is of the philosopher Dugin. Dugin is one of the main inspirations of Putin.

According to Dugin, the forces of liberal and capitalist Western civilization represent what the ancient Greeks called ὕβρις (hubris), “the essential form of titanism” (the anti-ideal form), which opposes Heaven (“the ideal form—in terms of space, time, being”). In other words, the West would summarize “the revolt of the Earth against Heaven”. To what he calls the West’s “atomizing” universalism, Dugin contrasts an apophatic universalism, expressed in the political idea of “empire”. Values of democracy, human rights, individualism are considered by him not to be universal but uniquely Western.

These thoughts are alien to me. I am a woman born in Western Europe raised with the understanding of freedom, rationalism, human rights, liberal democracy, freedom of conscience and expression. That is my world. I would pick it anytime over and over again. It is impossible for me to pick something else to guide my life with.

Even though, i do try to understand these feelings. I do find this very hard though.

Well, this post is a bit of a mix up. Going from money is a myth to Dugin was not my intention. I am angry and upset by the current events on our world platform. I’ll go back and watch television and twitter. Salute!

Published on March 1, 2022 at 6:00 by
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WAR

Added Monday February 28 2022

Added Sunday February 27 2022

Published on February 28, 2022 at 6:00 by
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Wood chips

The storm earlier this week gave us wood chips! Today i helped out for a couple of hours getting the wood chips in the garden. I feel it 🙂
On my way back home i walked past the Peace Garden and i saw the almond trees starting to get flowers. Lovely 🙂
Published on February 25, 2022 at 6:00 by
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