Present 02
Author Archives for Ellen
Present 01
Towards the end
I need to quiet myself down, find some rest within myself. The past few days i have been thinking about this post. I didn’t write anything down. Today i feel a bit empty. But what i want to write is on the edge of my mind. I just need to get there.
Last Saturday at the market we had a talk about my situation. I said i didn’t want to get money from the Dutch government. But as one person said, it is impossible to live in the Netherlands without any money. Sharing money is bound by many rules. One example: someone helped another person out by giving her weekly groceries. Once this was discovered the person had to pay back around 10.000 euros. This was finally lowered to 2800 euros by a judge.
I did try and get social security, around four and a half years ago. They wanted to get me to work, so i said no. Around six months after i went to the municipality i sold my house.
So here i am. Almost out of money. Filled with despair some of the time. But not always. This past week i felt really good. Happy. Nervous. I have given myself one more week to see if i can make this website work for me. This is the last post of this week. And i don’t know if i can make it!
Earlier this week i felt so sure about what i was going to write. The bit above about the system in the Netherlands was part of it. But the rest i simply have forgotten. Of course this means it wasn’t a important part. I need to learn to wait until it is clear to me what i want to say.
In the end i want to have peace with all the outcomes. If i need to get a job, if i need to get social security, if i do become world famous. Whatever. Have peace.
I want to stick to the way i live my life right now. Calm. Peaceful. Thinking. Sometimes an upheaval, like last weeks thinking about the Ukrainian – Russian war. About which i am still not sure. I don’t like either party, the West or the East. But this post is not about this war – it is about me. I still hope i will find a place for myself here on this earth. I haven’t found it yet.
Strawberry Fields Forever
Strawberry Fields Forever
Let me take you down, ’cause I’m going to
Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real
And nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever
Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It’s getting hard to be someone, but it all works out
It doesn’t matter much to me
Let me take you down, ’cause I’m going to
Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real
And nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever
No one I think is in my tree
I mean, it must be high or low
That is, you can’t, you know, tune in, but it’s all right
That is, I think it’s not too bad
Let me take you down, ’cause I’m going to
Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real
And nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever
Always, no, sometimes think it’s me
But you know, I know when it’s a dream
I think I know, I mean—er—yes, but it’s all wrong
That is, I think I disagree
Let me take you down, ’cause I’m going to
Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real
And nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever
Strawberry Fields forever
Strawberry Fields forever
Written by John Lennon
Credited to Lennon-McCartney
A spring walk through the Kralingse Bos
Portrait 166
Published on March 8, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
Categorised in: Drawing and watercolour
A talk between friends on the market
Last Saturday it was a lovely day, a bit cold in the morning, but towards the afternoon it got warmer. The sun was shining the whole day.
I arrived on the market around eleven. A good friend was there sitting talking with another good friend. Great! We started talking. He asked me about my storage for my things, my furniture, books and records. “I only have enough money for two to three months” i said. He did have another option, but it is all the way close to Germany. But i’ll keep it in mind.
Then another friend came. He said he was worried about two things. One is the Ukrainian – Russian war. The other one was me. He felt i was sitting in a race car going against all hope towards the end where i’m about to crash.
We talked about this for a while. I could only say i understood the worry some people expressed. But to me it is a open and clear cut case: my website is the most important thing to me. I will leave anything to keep it going. But i do understand that my money is running low to non-existant.
On my way back home while i was thinking about this problem i came to a conclusion: I am giving myself one more week. One more week to turn this ship around. One more week to make myself clear to the world. As that is what i believe i need to do.
Of course i hope i will make this work. But i need to be careful, i need to be precise. Today, Sunday 6 March 2022, i felt an mixture of emotions. A complete trust in myself versus a feeling of failing. I don’t know what it will be. I do hope my trust in myself will keep me going. For years.
Mad as hell
Over the past few weeks i have been lying awake during the night. My mind is worried. Worried about my money running out slowly but surely. The past day i thought about applying for a temporary job. That is not what i want, but it might seem to be the only real way out for me. Because i don’t want to live dependent on the friends i have.
At the same time i want to bump into that money limit. It is a completely imaginary way of almost dying, disappearing from life. That is what appeals to me. I don’t want to go back to working and making a living and dying in some place unremarkable with no history and nothing to show for my life. But, on the other hand, i can imagine my life being quiet and unremarkable and about learning to control my inner urges, which of course i do have. A restful life.
Why do i need to pick a side? Why can’t i simply live my life as i see fit? Well, the world and the people are not that fair. You need to fight for what you want. I have had it easy so far. So buckle up and take it as it comes to you, miss Pronk.
I have been hiding. I crept away. I was satisfied working here on this website with no clear goal.
And of course i am mad as hell. It is no use though. If i want something, fight for it!
More quiet now
I do enjoy the quiet. The past few days, since the day the war between Russia and Ukraine started, i was very much into twitter, youtube and even television. I watched the news, strangely for me.
I love the quiet, the solitude, the silence. The cars are far away, mostly i hear the birds singing their song lately. Early spring singing. It is my basis. Of course this doesn’t mean i can not handle any upheaval or confusion in my life. I know i can.
Quiet and angry
With the war going on between the Ukraine and Russia, i’m in between feeling angry and quiet. Angry with the world, with the way things are developing. Quiet because that is me. Of course now is not the time to be quiet. I want to yell. Scream. But no, i am not. Not yet anyway.
This is a confusing time. The war between Russia and the Ukraine goes against anything i can imagine. The deaths, the destruction, the fleeing of people, it is all so devastating. My mind tries to understand something of Putin, but this is too farfetched. Even when reading about people like Dugin – see my post of yesterday – it is alien to me.
I think back on the previous wars: the Iraq war, the war in North-West Pakistan, the war in Yemen, the war in Lebanon, the war in Somalia, the war in Georgia, the Boko Harum uprising, the Syrian civil war. This is just a selection of the wars in the world from 2003 till the present day. Three quarters of these wars i had never even heard about. I live here in the Netherlands feeling safe and protected.
In between the ongoing assault of the war news is a frightening message from the IPCC: “This report is a dire warning about the consequences of inaction”. We are at the edge of counter measures against the climate change. Only for around ten years will measures we take have an effect.
Part of me rejects reading this message on the news website and on twitter. As i do all other messages i read which aren’t about the war. Something i have to fight within myself. The current war is a problem, of course, but there are so many other problems going on in the world right now.
And yet, to me this world seems to be going on and on. Wars, floods, fires, volcano eruptions, it all keeps on happening. There are only moments of peace and tranquility. It seems.
I do want to find rest within myself. And at times i find it. To loose it all once again. Like i did the last few days.
I stand still and straight.
Salute!