Memories
Published on August 22, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
Categorised in: Drawing and watercolour
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Author Archives for Ellen
Renaissance
I haven’t actually heard the entire new Beyonce album Renaissance. I do hear many well known samples in the music. Not sure what i think of it. Hoping i will listen to it over the week.
I’m full of doubts. Hesitations. I can live my life quietly. But i’m pretty sure i don’t want this. So i need to stand up and tell my story in an eloquent way.
Shame shame shame
A couple of months ago i made a huge error. I gave the address i lived in at the moment to someone of the municipality. I said i lived there for only three weeks. I didn’t pay anything for it. But still, a huge error. I ignored it for a while, but it came back to me.
I felt awful. For months. It is getting a bit better. I can see the circumstances are a big part of why i told the address to the person on the line. But still, shame shame shame. I should never have said it. It would have meant my application for welfare was not valid. In the end it has been denied anyway.
I’m in a vulnerable condition. No home, very little money. For the past four weeks i have worked, but i don’t make enough. I don’t have any debts. that is a good thing.
And then there is this little voice inside of me. Almost inaudible it whispers to me “you gotta go through this” – “there is light at the end of the tunnel”. I almost do not believe this little voice.
Be kind to yourself. A deep warm hug from me to you.
Work
My fourth week of work starts tomorrow. My work of house care isn’t difficult, but i do need to get used to it. I’m happy i need to go to the place i need to clean. It makes my work varied. Sometimes i like the person who i am cleaning for, sometimes i’m indifferent. I don’t dislike anyone.
I’m still in an in between phase. I’m happy i found work to do, but that only goes up to a certain limit. After another month i will talk to the employment agency to check if there are other jobs more in my old line of work, like webmaster of somewhere related to front-end development.
Keep it up woman!
The great refusal
There is this big difference i notice between reading books, newspapers and online news outlets and living in this world.
I am reading a book with the title De grote weigering (The great refusal). This is a short book with at its core a retelling of Marcuse’s One-dimensional Man, a book published in 1964. The same year in which i was born.
It feels to me my mind is following two completely different streams. On the one hand all the texts i have read, on the other hand my living in this world and the force i feel myself to work and earn my own income and take care of myself. Not that i mind that, but it is tough.
Writing this i do think ooh of course it is tough, get with it woman! This is the life you have picked for yourself.
I do enjoy reading The great Refusal. It is available in Dutch only.
Following > Treading
Throwing the I Ching, i got 17. Following going into 10. Treading.
I start to feel a bit better. It does take me time to think about everything i did over the past few months and see where it all went wrong. It is hard. My life is hard, but it is all by my own choice.
So i am working right now. In home care, a lowly paid job. It’s fine for now. I am learning.
I will keep up one update a week. I’m still feeling a bit low, but it does get better over time.
Enjoy your week 🙂
Give up
On the other side
Sitting in the garden, hearing the wind, the birds, the cars in the background, almost non existing. I feel the quiet coming over me.
A confession, i do feel a bit down. My life continues, there are difficulties and troubles. But i manage, so far.
I have two jobs. One in a vegan cupcake shop for one day a week, selling and cleaning up and making lunch. I like it, i work with two women my age. It feels good. The other job is in home care, for three days a week. I can live of it, for the meantime.
This website will need to take a step back. Only one update a week.
It is fine.
🙂
A short break once again
I’m tired. That is it for now. I’ll be back Monday.
I’m taking a break from working here. One week for starters, it could be longer. I don’t know! I will keep you up to date of course.
A short post
I have been busy talking to all different people over the past few days. My mind is clearing up a bit.
I need to save myself. I can do it!