Until You Come Back To Me

I had one album by Aretha Franklin, a The Best Of. With her major hits: Respect, Chain of Fools, Say A Little Prayer, Rock Steady. And also this song on it, Until You Come Back To Me. I always loved this song. Only today i found out it was a big hit in 1973. I had no idea. I also didn’t know Stevie Wonder is one of the writers.

The bridge part is hard for me. When i sing along with the music, it is a lot easier, but a cappella it is a hard switch to make to those lines.

Living for you my dear
Is like living in a world of constant fear
In my plea, I’ve got to make you see
That our love is dying

I do like my version. It is a lot softer, quieter. Very close into the microphone. I hope you will enjoy it.

Until You Come Back To Me – Aretha Franklin
Though you don’t call anymore
I sit and wait in vain
I guess I’ll rap on your door
Tap on your window pane

I want to tell you baby
The changes I’ve been going through
Missing you, listen you
‘Til you come back to me
That’s what I’m gonna do

Why did you have to decide
You had to set me free?
I’m gonna swallow my pride
I’m gonna beg you to please
Baby, please see me

I’m gonna walk by myself
Just to prove that my love is true
Oh, for you baby
‘Til you come back to me
That’s what I’m gonna do

Living for you my dear
Is like living in a world of constant fear
In my plea, I’ve got to make you see
That our love is dying

Although your phone you ignore
Somehow I must
Somehow I must, I must explain
I’m gonna rap on your door
Tap on your window pane

I’m gonna camp on your step
Until I get through to you
I’ve got to change your view, baby
‘Til you come back to me
That’s what I’m gonna do

‘Til you come back to me
That’s what I’m gonna do

‘Til you come back to me
That’s what I’m gonna do

I’m gonna rap on your door
Tap on your, tap on your, tap on your
Tap on your window pane
Oh my baby, I’m gonna rap on your door
Tap on your window pane

Oh, ba-ba-baby
Oh, ba-ba-baby
Oh, ba-ba-baby
Tap on your window pane

Oh, ba-ba-baby
Oh, ba-ba-baby
Oh, ba-ba-baby

The original single from Aretha Franklin

A life version

Stevie Wonder’s version

Published on November 16, 2015 at 6:00 by

FUCK

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KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT KUT GOD KOLERE TYFUS TERING KANKER KUT KUT KUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Published on November 13, 2015 at 6:00 by

My video clips

I’m spending a lot of time this week thinking, feeling tired and resting. My mind is stirring up a bit more today. But still, a half way post about my newest project: video clips. Half way? Better word is a start.

I do feel really happy making these clips. I don’t know why i didn’t start making video’s years ago. I even had animation at art school. But yes, 25 years ago time was really different. Computers were slow, there were no digital camera’s. A lot more hurdles to take before you could make something worthwhile. Nowadays almost everyone has a camera. Or a smartphone at least.

So i guess it is understandable i didn’t make video’s years ago. It is not much use to think about this anyway. I feel happy i’m discovering this now, that is enough.

I do need a bit of time. Take a step back and think about this, think about what i’ve made and what step i want to make next. What is most fitting, right now.

I do upload the clips to youtube. My username is ellenlfs. I already have one subscriber! I usually upload the clips half a day before i publish the post here on ellenpronk.com, so you could have a sneak peak if you wish.

For now, i will repeat all the clips i made sofar. Enjoy!

Published on November 12, 2015 at 6:00 by

A lazy day

I spend today reading. In the afternoon i fell asleep on the couch. I was so tired. I still am. So i’m gonna do nothing more for today, watch some tv and read a bit more. And then hopefully get some sleep.

Seeya tomorrow!

Published on November 11, 2015 at 6:00 by

Daydreaming

This last year felt like a storm running through my life. Daytime was ok usually, making a new present, walking, buying groceries, working if i had some work to do. Making photos, writing texts, reading, listening to music. And the last months making a video. Filming, editing, choosing the music track.

Nighttime was different. I don’t remember a single night in which i didn’t wake up. Many nights in which i couldn’t fall asleep. Many nights filled with daydreams. Basically the same daydream, but with small changes occurring over time. I know that everything i daydream will not come true. The mix of events is limitless though.

I wrote about My boyfriend a year ago.

I got a list of names, but there are many more people whose name I don’t know. And of course I got dreams. I just move another picture of a face on my boyfriend. I give him another name. Easy. It’s hard to make me not do that. Might even be impossible.

One of the themes of my daydreams is marriage. Yeah. Embarrasing. I actually do watch Say Yes to the Dress on TLC. Not every day, but when there is nothing else on, i zap to it and watch it for a short time. It is fascinating. And horrible at the same time. I don’t recognize myself in the women searching for the right dress at all, but it is still fascinating to watch. I don’t even really want to get married myself — still, a special festive day just for me and my boy friend would be truly nice.

I will be horrified if anything i daydreamed would happen to me in real life. But daydreaming doesn’t care about these culturally refined attitudes. They are about wish fulfillment. Marriage does seem to suit my needs.

The state of daydreaming is a kind of liminal state between waking (with the ability to think rationally and logically) and sleeping.

Another theme in my daydreams is fame. More specifically, the question if i could handle becoming famous myself. Up until now i haven’t been able to answer this question with a definite no or yes. When i look at my own life, i don’t see fame in itself as something i strive for. But when i look at my work, i do see the complete openness of it. From my posts here on ellenpronk.com on my past work, to the nine years of work on lfs.nl. It is all freely available for anyone to go through.

It does all boil down to the question about my futures, public or private. I should have realized that it really is not a easy question to answer. I can be almost childlike in my enthusiasm. But i do feel i need to answer this question seriously. Especially if i am asking this myself.

Of course my own objections are first in my mind. I’m too old. I’m too fat. I’m not beautiful. I’m simply not good enough.

But these are my own insecurities speaking up. Denying myself the time to really think about this question and giving me an easy way out. All circumstances are pointing that way, the way out, the way to a private life. The life i’ve lead my whole life. But i haven’t answered the question, i’ve simply pushed it behind all my personal hang-ups.

It is very tempting to daydream about options which could open up for me. Suppose i were to become famous. Simply assume this were to happen, theoretically. Someone Lisa Eldridge or Pixiwoo could put the right make-up on. I’d love that! What if they could put me in dresses especially made for me. What if i could really sing. Not like i do now, in my iPhone 4, done in an hour or two, but really sing at my best. That would be amazing! I’d love that! I can lose a few kilos over that for sure. Or not. 🙂

I am scared.

I could easily wipe away these questions. I have done so in the past, i can do it again. But i know the life behind me. It is OK. Sure. But i feel i will regret it if i stick with it. For comfort. Because of course, i’m not good enough.

So the question is not if i could handle fame. The question is if i wish that for me. An exciting life. A life full of people, friends and enemies. A life with days crammed with work to do. In which i will be tired at the end of the day.

To that, my answer is a clear YES!

Published on November 10, 2015 at 6:00 by

Keep On Movin’

A guilty pleasure. Keep On Movin’ sung by 5ive. Always liked this song. Yay!

Keep on movin’ – 5ive
I woke up today with this feeling
That better things are coming my way
And if the sunshine has a meaning
Telling me not to let things get in my way

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Nonstop ’til the break of dawning
Keep on moving don’t stop rocking

Get on up when you’re down
Baby, take a good look around
I know it’s not much but it’s okay
Keep on movin’ on anyway

Feels like I should be screaming
Trying to get it through to my friends
Sometimes it feels that life has no meaning
But I know things will be alright in the end

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non stop ’til the break of dawning
Keep on moving don’t stop rocking

Get on up when you’re down
Baby, take a good look around
I know it’s not much but it’s okay
Keep on movin’ on anyway

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop ’til the break of dawning
Keep on moving don’t stop rocking

Get on up when you’re down
Baby, take a good look around
I know it’s not much but it’s okay
Keep on moving on anyway

Get on up when you’re down
Baby, take a good look around
I know it’s not much but it’s okay
Keep on moving on anyway

Get on up when you’re down
Baby, take a good look around
I know it’s not much but it’s okay
Keep on moving on anyway

Get on up when you’re down
Baby, take a good look around
I know it’s not much but it’s okay
Keep on moving on anyway

Keep on moving
Keep on moving
Keep on moving

The original

Published on November 9, 2015 at 6:00 by

Call Me Maybe

I only recently converted to a fan of this song, Call Me Maybe. I should listen to Carly Rae Jepsen music more. I like her songs. To be honest, my version is very hesitant. I still like it though. The original surpasses mine way beyond of course.

🙂

Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen
I threw a wish in the well
Don’t ask me I’ll never tell
I looked at you as it fell
And now you’re in my way

I trade my soul for a wish
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
I wasn’t looking for this
But now you’re in my way

Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans
Skin was showing
Hot night
Wind was blowing
Where you think you’re going baby?

Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me maybe
It’s hard to look right at you baby
But here’s my number
So call me maybe

Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me maybe
And all the other boys
Try to chase me
But here’s my number
So call me maybe

You took your time with the call
I took no time with the fall
You gave me nothing at all
But still you’re in my way

I beg and borrow and steal
At first sight and it’s real
I didn’t know I would feel it
But it’s in my way

Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans
Skin was showing
Hot night
Wind was blowing
Where you think you’re going baby?

Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me maybe
It’s hard to look right at you baby
But here’s my number
So call me maybe

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so so bad
Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that
I missed you so so bad, bad, bad, bad….

It’s hard to look right at you baby
But here’s my number
So call me maybe

Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me maybe
And all the other boys
Try to chase me
But here’s my number
So call me maybe

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so so bad
Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that
So call me, maybe

The original track

Published on November 5, 2015 at 6:00 by

Please

I woke up last night around four. I felt this hurt inside. The feeling i have failed in what i had set out to do.

What was that? To get out in the world. To become known. To meet people, talk to people. Like i do now, in Rotterdam, on a smaller scale. The woman i met on my walk to the Rottemeren. The woman i met when i ate a chip with mayo sitting on the side of the market. The woman i met today in the pharmacy. The man i met on the beach while i was walking from Scheveningen to Hoek van Holland. The man i talked while he was brushing sand into the joint on the Binnenrotte. Simple everyday meetings, everyday talks.

I enjoy that. Lots. I try to smile to people i walk by. Not all the time, no. But usually i do. Some people smile back, some say goodday. Some look angry, or surprised, or scared. I am careful.

I feel it does matter. It is important.

I do not know this world. I do follow the news, but i do not trust it. It has a tendency to focus on the bad stuff. It shows half the world. Or even less. Even here in Rotterdam the place is not like it is portrayed. In promotion video’s you see the best places, from the best sides, in the best weather. It is not like that.

But i digress.

What did i set out to do? To become known, to get to know the world and the people living in it a little bit better. As i said two days ago, to save the world. Which is a big thing to say! I don’t mean as in the world is set out to fail and i’m the one person to set it right. But it is also not that whatever you do doesn’t matter. It does matter.

I was born in the 60s. The 50s seemed like a lifetime before. Seemed like it was an all together different time. Now i think of my niece, who is born in the 90s. The 80s must mean the same thing for her.

But the world is still the same. Moving through time in the same pace. We, the people, are simply staying here for a short time, trying to be happy, trying to live. Through the last century, the one before that. Before that. Before that.

For me, and i think for most people, the past is like a million years ago. A time you can not get to anymore. Vanished. Disappeared. The future is not here either. It is a definite unknown. Even though you know you read this in a time after 4 November 2015, the future is still not there. You travel with everybody else in this ever present now.

It is also easy to forget. It is easy to have a pension, to have an insurance, to say you will work until you are 65, 66, 67. It is easy to set boundaries around your life. This is the time you work. This is your free time. This is your time for sleep. This is your time to eat. This is your time for sex. Everything in its own box. To live your life as you think you should, as you think everybody else does.

This world is more and more set. Defined. Compartmentalized. The first world. The third world. The rich world. The poor world. The rising world. Countries are all defined and constricted. This is mine and that is yours. Language is a maze of different meanings. What do you say? What do you mean? What is this all about?

I don’t know what life i will be living. I don’t know how long this life in western Europe will stay like this. This rich. This scared. But also loving and caring. I don’t know for how long our money will be worth what it is now. For how long you can buy the food you eat in the supermarket. We assume it will stay like this. But i’m pretty sure it won’t. Things are changing every day.

I do long for a public life. But it might be different from what i imagine.

No, of course it will be different.

What i dream, what i imagine, is settled in myself and in my past. What is new, what is the future of me, is still unknown. And i want to get to know it. I want to get to live it. I truly do.

Please.

Published on November 4, 2015 at 6:00 by

Next

So.

My time of continuing this sabbatical is running out. Or rather, my money is running out. I have stopped a pension saving plan. I will ask for a pay out. This will give me a little money for the next few months. I know i could get another mortgage for my house, which has a large equity. But i don’t want to go there. Yet.

It took quite some effort to get myself to decide this. It still does. But i do not want to end up depended on the Dutch government. No thank you. I do not want to leave my house. So there. Damn.

Damn.

I did apply for a loan from my bank, to help me get through this period.

It is hard to maintain a blog these days. It is hard to catch people’s attention.

Once i find a job. I might change the number of updates. Going to one or two updates a week.

I’m not giving up making my work. With video, i’m just starting out. And the singing is wonderful, for me anyway! I’m thrilled i found these two things i love to do. Absolutely out of this world. Fucking unbelievable.

I do have to remind myself of this. I feel so happy. With all the trouble connected with that. With the sadness. With the wanting. That i have found something worth living for. I hardly know anybody else who sees that. One or two people maybe? But it is OK. I believe in it myself, so strong.

There is still a voice inside of me telling me it could be good still. But if the life of quiet and solitude is mine, than that is fine with me. Not my first pick, but it was mine for many many years.

I’m rambling on a bit. Thinking a lot yes. Feeling a lot. Not all good. But still. Once i started writing further on this post, i started to feel better.

This is life Ellen. You gotta deal with it.

Published on November 3, 2015 at 6:00 by